Houston....we have Implantation!

Wow, this specific pregnancy journey has been more of an emotional roller coaster than I would have EVER imagined. 

Most women decide after a missed period to pick up a test at home, the next morning you pee on it and SURPRISE, you're pregnant. In my case I would wait a few weeks and then we would go into our first appointment where we would get to see a tiny little bean with a fluttering heartbeat. That's about all the steps for the first few weeks of my pregnancies with my 3 boys.

Going on this Surrogacy journey has OPENED my eyes to the plight of women who have fertility issues.  From the MOMENT, I got off bedrest 2 days after the transfer to this morning has seriously felt like 6 months when, in reality, it's been about 11 days. 11 mentally EXHAUSTING days of scrutinizing every single twinge, bump and sign that COULD or Could NOT mean the little embie had implanted.

I had days I swore I wasn't pregnant cause I felt absolutely no signs and felt fine physically -- which would send me into a downward spiral mentally and I worried and googled EVERY SINGLE SYMPTOM I felt.

I broke down on day 5 and took a pregnancy test which showed an iridescent line that I think only my highly in-tuned prego-hopeful eyes could see. On Tuesday, I swore there was something there a tiny bit darker and on Wednesday a tiny bit darker. I took pictures of them lined up and sent them to my sister and our IP's seeing if I was crazy. They saw them too but still I worried. 

I also googled every known fact about IVF (in vitro fertilization) and FET (frozen embryo transfer). I learned EVERY acronym that goes along with a surrogacy journey like dpo (days past ovulation) and 5dp5dt (5 days past a 5-day old embryo transfer) as well as some acronyms I didn't necessarily WANT to learn like m/c (miscarriage) and cp (chemical pregnancy). 

I mean seriously! I spent HOURS pouring over chat threads of women comparing beta numbers (HCG blood tests) and experiences.  I looked at picture after picture of HPTs (home pregnancy tests) lined up one under another as other women wanted to know if anyone else saw the line they think they saw. I had become one of "those surrogates" checking EVERYTHING. And every time I would whine to Daniel that I thought the transfer just didn't work he would calmly reply, "just wait for the blood test babe." To which I'd give him the stink eye and insist "I JUST CAN’T STAND THE WAITING!"

So, our 9dp5dt (do you feel 'fertility smart' now because you know what that means? I kind of do) beta blood test arrived. I went bright and early to UCLA and got home before Daniel even had to leave for work. And then, earlier than I thought possible, my phone rang with a 310 number (Los Angeles). I answered as calmly as possible, pretending like I didn't know who was on the other line. It was our fertility doctor's nurse. She sounded in good spirits and told me the good news was that I was definitely pregnant. Then I asked her what my HCG levels were. For someone who had spent DAYS researching average fertility reports, I knew we were looking for something close to 100. My heart sank a little when she said my numbers were only 62. I tried to stay calm over the phone and the nurse assured me that MANY factors can account for slightly lower numbers like when the baby actually implanted in the 24-48 hrs. after transfer. Your body instantly starts producing HCG after implantation so someone with an embie that implants within a few hours could have a 2 day jump on someone whose embie waited the full 48 hrs. to implant. Also, our embie was frozen and sometimes those little ones can take a little bit longer to "warm up" to the idea and start producing the HCG.

Even though she gave me all these reassurances, it didn't keep me from BREAKING DOWN after I hung up. Daniel was getting ready for work and I just lost it. Like full on "prego hormone" sobs. I felt SO torn AGAIN. I thought this phone call would put us clearly on one side or the other: pregnant or not pregnant. Now I had to wait another 48 hrs. to see if my numbers would double like they were supposed to while I jumped back online searching "first beta of 62 9dp5dt". I think I read the same chat threads like 10 times and STILL I worried. People had gotten numbers as low as 20 on their first beta and still had healthy babies after 9 months. Some had the perfect numbers and had lost the baby in a miscarriage. 

Do you know what I learned from ALL my research??????? There is ABSOLUTELY NO solid answer to whether your embie is healthy and growing and if he/she will make it to due date. Some people had every single sign and weren't pregnant and some people had no signs at all and had a BFP (Big Fat Positive).

I'm tellin’ ya' it felt like I was on Disney's California Screamin' roller coaster for the lasts 11 days! 

So that brings us to this morning. The only, and I mean ONLY, solid piece of advice I could get was that your numbers doubling every 48 hours is the best sign that the embie is growing. In fact, as much as the first number is important, it's really the second draw that will tell you what side of the line you are on for at least the next few weeks until the first ultrasound.

So that's what we prayed our little hearts out for! Grow little baby, double those numbers, grow little baby! 

So, as many of you know, my husband, Daniel, is the assistant pastor at our church and I sing on the worship team. Basically, we are at church every single Sunday unless we have been hit by a plague. Today I just couldn't go. I went super early with the boys for the blood draw in north LA and then dropped them off at church and switched cars and headed home. I knew I would be a nervous wreck all morning till I got the call and I just needed to NOT be in a public place when I would most likely get the call.

So, I went home and did some laundry. We were hoping we would get the call by 10 am but 10 came and went and with each passing minute I felt more and more like I was going to throw up (not because of prego morning sickness, just a nervous tummy). Luckily, I remembered to take my phone each time I went to switch a load because I had just pulled the first load out of the dryer when my phone began to ring. I looked down and a big UCLA Hospital stared back at me. I took a breath and answered as nonchalantly as possible. Of course, my first instinct was to yell "You're killing me Smalls, just give me the digits!" BUT I restrained myself and "acted surprised" to hear it was the fertility Fellow on call, calling with my results......

139....139....139!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My numbers had double plus a little extra from 62 to 139, I was RIGHT where I was supposed to be. He told me to continue my meds and to call on Tuesday to set up my first ultrasound in a little over a week!

I thanked him very politely and told him to have a good weekend like the last 11 days hadn't been TORTURE to me and he wasn't telling me anything I didn't know (yeah RIGHT). I hung up and messaged Chad and Stephanie, Amy (from surrogacy by faith) and Daniel, right away! Of course, there were all in church and my message wasn't going through right away! Ahhhhhh! I knew how eagerly they were waiting too and I was thinking "look at your phones, look at your phones!"

In a few minutes they all started seeing the message and we all began praising God! 

So now......we wait some more! Gosh, I gotta become a more patient person! You know they say that if you pray and ask God to give you patience, look out, cause He may give you a few trying circumstances to test that patience out in. You never know, maybe He'll ask you to be a surrogate!

Anyway, that's where we stand as of this morning. Good numbers that will hopefully continue to increase and continuing to pray for the upcoming ultrasound that MAY show us baby's heartbeat, although it may be just a little too early (again, no EXACT numbers for when you will or will not absolutely SEE and HEAR the heartbeat BUT I'm praying we do in this first scan).

You know it's weird. God kind of gave me this picture of this process being step by step back when we first started. He opens a new door and we step through. We wait in the middle of the stream until He places the next stepping stone and then we move forward one step at a time. If I'm being honest, I think I thought that would only be before the transfer. That my body would just kick in and it would be smooth sailing after all the prep work, but I'm coming to realize He's going to give us our next stepping stone at each new stage through this ENTIRE process and I'm going to need to trust Him that He will. Whether that stone takes us forward or starts curving backwards, the stones are His to place and my job is to just take the next faith-filled step!

So here I am, prego and waiting for the next step! Don't wait too long Lord or my ankles may start swelling!

Tonight I just need to write.....from the Valley of Doubt

Somedays the words just seem to fly out of my finger tips and onto the page.  I don’t really WANT to write but I have this strange sensing that it’s important that I write tonight.  Who knows if I’ll get the guts to post it but right now all I keep thinking is…. write it out.

So, our surrogacy journey has been AMAZING so far! Seriously…. AMAZING! And that is due to one HUGE factor; how God-soaked it has been.  From Day 1 of thinking about surrogacy and finding out from Daniel that the Lord asked him to start praying about it 3 months earlier to the little “revelations” God has given me each step of the way on how to trust Him more!  From finding a Christian Surrogacy Agency in my “backyard” of Orange County to calling that same agency the exact same week our IP’s contacted them as well.

I mean, COME ON! I couldn’t have predicted how incredibly GOD-DRENCHED this process has been.  And I don’t think I FULLY appreciated it until a few days ago.  I decided to finally start looking into different Surrogate online support groups just to see if any would be fun to be a part of.  I found one BIG group on Facebook and after being accepted I decided to send out a little “Hi there, I’m a first-time surrogate who just had a transfer on wed and I’m nervously waiting for the follow up blood test, etc.”  Within about 24 hrs. of posting I had another surrogate comment on how I had incorrectly labeled one section of my journey.  I explained what I meant by using that term and she continued to INSIST I was wrong to call it that.  Let me pause there and say I HATE confrontation, ESPECIALLY on Facebook.  I responded again and this time said, “Your comments are sounding very critical” to which she responded that I had issues being corrected and my post would tell newbies that they could do it that way and its easy and common and it’s not and I must just have issues.”  I wrote out a reply that defended and reiterated my first point and then erased it all.  I didn’t need to rise to the occasion.  I ended the conversation and then turned around and exited the group.  My heart was racing and I started crying.  I couldn’t believe what had just happened! I had been on this journey for MONTHS expecting to face opposition and I hadn’t; that is not until I joined a surrogate group and felt attacked by another surrogate!

And that’s when it hit me, my surrogacy journey has and is unique.  I had a glimpse into the secular side of surrogacy and, even though I KNOW not all surrogates are that way, I was hurt by what I experienced.  I quit the group and in-between tears I wrote out a late-night text to my IP, and now good friend, Stephanie and Amy, the founder of Surrogacy by Faith.  These women haven’t just been my mentor and partners in this journey.  We have shared tears and fears and joys together in such a short time frame and knew I could “lean on them.”

They encouraged me and prayed for me and “listened” to me (through text) and continue to accept me, flaws and all.  I don’t need a big support group because God has SURROUNDED me with friends and family that are walking this road with us every step of the way.

Fast forward to last night.  I just started feeling BLEH! Like I had this sense that the embie didn’t implant and I wasn’t pregnant.  I decided to go buy some at-home pregnancy tests that night and decided I would try this morning.  I had at least 2 different dreams about using the test.  In the morning, it was a big fat negative.  I wasn’t completely crushed because there are SO many reasons surrogates get negatives using at-home tests, especially this early after transfer but it still didn’t start my day off very positive.

So, I guess I’m finally to the part about why I feel I need to write tonight.  I feel emotionally EXHAUSTED! This waiting period is BY FAR the hardest part of this journey so far.  We’ve had a heat wave so there is no way to tell if my fatigue is from heat or Prego hormones starting to fill my body.  My appetite has changed as well which could easily be from the heat also.

With my third son, one of the first signs I knew I was Prego was when I looked in the mirror and I felt like I had gained 5 pounds right in my mid-section overnight.  Came to find out that after you’ve had one baby, sometimes your ligaments, and such, can release when your body starts growing another child.  Basically, the left-over baby skin/fat loses its elasticity and you can feel like you look bloated or gained weight.

 

So of course, I’ve been looking for that same outcome this time and I definitely feel bloated but again that could be from eating junk during the heatwave.

Can you hear the mental roller coaster I’ve been on?

And yet I CONTINUE to try and place every thought and care back in God’s hands because I KNOW He has a plan no matter what it is. 

Some days I think “there is NO WAY He brought us this far just to let this transfer fail” and then I think “But His ways are NOT our ways and He has a plan that may not include my plan.”

So here I am; 6 days after transfer and both excited and dreading Friday morning.  That’s when I will go bright and early for a blood test to see if there is any HCG developing in my body indicating the embie is growing.

I realized tonight as I was putting my boys to bed that this time suddenly reminded me of another time I waited with baited breath for a blood test.  We had gone in for our 10-week check-up with our first baby to find an empty uterus where a tiny little peanut should have been growing.  They thought maybe I wasn’t as far along as I thought and took a blood test to check my HCG levels.  They said they would test again in a day or 2 because my numbers are supposed to double every few days.  I was crushed.  I had to leave work to go get the second test done and by the time I got back to work and signed into my health portal online, it showed my numbers had dropped 5000 units.  It was confirmed, I was losing our first precious child.

Although this waiting is not the same, in a way I notice it is.  If Friday never comes then I can keep hoping.  BUT when Friday DOES come, I COULD find extreme joy.  Does anyone else ever feel that way? Excited and dreading something at the same time?

Another sign that COULD indicate nothing is the fact that I keep tearing up at the drop of a hat! But even without Prego hormones, this whole process is SO emotional, it could simply be my body responding to the situation.  I was in the car on the way to worship practice and a song came on the radio and there I went again, the lump in the through and the tears welling up in the corner of my eyes.

This last Sunday I was on stage and we got to bridge of the last song and it hit me like a heavenly ton of bricks (is that even a thing?)

We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes,

You’re the Giver of Life

I couldn’t sing.  Luckily, I’m just a backup singer so my inability to get the words out among the lump in my throat didn’t keep others from continuing to worship. And when I say I couldn’t sing, I don’t mean I didn’t believe it.  IF anything, my heart burst forth from my chest and all I could do was repeat it in my heart and pray over this little life in my womb trying to grow.

And then that reminded me of my first Sunday back on worship team after losing our first child in a miscarriage.  I stood on that same stage and sang that God was in control while tears poured down my cheeks. 

I don’t think anyone knows the incredible power of song until you hear a song that seems to apply to EXACTLY what you are going through.  I think the Holy Spirt would be a worship leader if he ever had one specific job.  When my heart fails me and I cannot speak, the Holy Spirt does it for me in song.

So, this is probably one of the most confusing, jumping around blog posts anyone will ever read but again, I felt I needed to write.  All my other posts have been on the other side of the worry and doubt with the “YAY it worked out” to finish it with.

Not this one because this one is from the Valley of Doubt.  This post is written by a woman who wonders what will happen in 3 days. This one is written by a girl who laid next to her husband last night and asked him to pray for her cause she just didn’t know if she could find the words that night.  This one is a post of uncertainty BUT this post is also one of unending HOPE because…

…. being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Phil. 1:6

So, I don’t know what my next post will be about.  If it will be laced with joy or sorrow, BUT I can tell you this, God has and will continue to be a part of the journey and as long as He provides a way to try, I will be first in line to grab His hand as many times as He offers it.  Cause even in the Valley of Doubt He is sitting RIGHT next to me saying “I got this, I’ve got a plan.” Ok Lord, let’s go!

Musings from Bed Rest

It happened.... I think it happened.... I’m 99% sure it happened...yes yes it definitely happened!

On Wednesday, we dropped our boys off at perhaps their favorite place of all time.... Uncle Dan and Ms. Joy's house! Luke (age 3) informed our good friend and neighbor yesterday that "we are going to Ms. Joy's house tomorrow while mommy goes and gets a baby". As blunt as it sounded, he was technically right!

After we dropped the boys off we headed out to Beverly Hills where the transfer office was located. We planned to meet Chad and Stephanie (for the first time in person) at a little cafe beforehand to meet, eat and pray! 

Daniel and I arrived about 40 min early and enjoyed just strolling along the street looking at little shops. After we walked by the shops we turned down one street and enjoyed walking along the residential neighborhood. The houses were so amazing, and each had their own unique style! It kind of felt like Disneyland because they were so close to the sidewalk I felt like maybe I could walk right in to the castle shaped one or the little Riviera shaped one! 

Anyway, back on track!

Chad arrived at the cafe first and I think the first thing out of my mouth was "you're real, not just a photograph!". Hugs all around and we stepped inside to order while we waited for Stephanie, who had a slightly complicated surgery to perform that morning and was running just a few minutes behind.

As I glanced at the menu I quickly decided against any smoothie or juice as I had my 2 water bottles equaling 32 oz. that I would need to drink an hour before the transfer and I didn't want to push my luck and squeeze any more liquid than necessary in there.

Right after we sat down, I looked up and there was Stephanie making her way to our table. I stood up and we instantly locked arms around each other and stood there for a good 30 seconds in a tight hug with each of us wondering "I can't believe this is REALLY happening!?"

We ate and laughed and talked about our INCREDIBLY similar lives! Both of us couples dated long distance, both our husbands were our only real "dating" experience, we both will celebrate our 10-year wedding anniversaries within 10 months of each other, and the list goes on and on. 

Eventually we had to pause our conversation because we needed to get over to the Reproductive center for the transfer.  We made our way back to our cars and even though we attempted to caravan over to the office (about 3 min away), the traffic and one way streets got the better of us. Luckily google maps is a girl’s best friend in those instances and we all caught up again in the parking structure.

Even though we were running a few minutes behind on our check-in time, we paused right there in the parking lot, grabbed hands and prayed over this time! Such a blessing to go through this process with other believers!

We made our way into the waiting room and continued to chat about our son's similarities and funny stories! Between our 2 families we have 5 boys ranging from age 1-6!

Finally, I got called back to get ready. The nurse confirmed my name and who I was a surrogate for. We had thought only one person but would be allowed in the room during the transfer and I had already told Stephanie I wanted it to be her. Well the nurse said there was plenty of room so Daniel could join as well! Honestly, I think he was the most intrigued cause he is my Biology nerd (I say that with love) and has ALWAYS enjoyed my pregnancy appointments and learning new facts and procedures about new areas of medicine. Chad decided to stay in the waiting room since it was tight and I was going to be slightly exposed. He didn't want me to feel uncomfortable in any way which I think was very sweet.

Next the "team" arrived. There was the ultrasound tech (I'm sure I'm not going to get any of the official terms correct so bear with me), our fertility doctor, who would be performing the transfer, the embryologist in charge of bringing in the embryo when the doctor was ready and a nurse. Plus, the 3 from our "party", so it was a full house!

I had taken a Valium about 10 min before the procedure and I do remember at one point feeling like I was gently floating on top of a wave in the ocean. The feeling passed but I knew the Valium was kicking in. It helps patients completely relax and not stress.

So, the whole time, we all were basically just watching the ultrasound screen. The tech was guiding the doctor to the exact spot that is best for implantation. After the doctor was all set up they called for the embryo. We all waited a few minutes and chatted until the little life arrived. I stared at the screen and tried to believe I knew what I was looking at. And then every medical person in the room, all at once, went "Oh wow, PERFECT, that was just PERFECT!"

You could see that the tiny little white bubble of liquid that held the embryo had been placed exactly where the tech had pointed out. 

They quickly sent the transfer tube back to the lab in the next room where they double checked that the embryo was not stuck within the tube and did actually exit into me.

And then we were done. I couldn't believe how quickly, smoothly and painlessly it went. Even my full bladder didn't give me any trouble! They do like the patient to remain laying down for about 20-30 min afterwards so they covered me back up and all the medical staff left us alone. We asked them to call in Chad so we all could be together. We just prayed and talked and told him how it went! We took a few photos and before we knew it the nurse came back in and said we were all good to go!

The guys headed back to the parking garage to grab our car so Chad could show Daniel where he could pick me up curb side. I got changed and then had the glorious task of being wheeled out to the front (after a bathroom break).  

Soon Chad and Daniel arrived and I was wheeled to the car. We hugged one last "I can't believe we finally got to meet and how well it went" hug and I climbed in! We said we would be in touch and off we drove home. 

I think the Valium really started to kick in because I got VERY tired quickly. After helping navigate Daniel back through downtown Beverly Hills to the freeway, I put my feet up and began to drift off. One of the last things I remember is Daniel's protective hand on my belly as he drove!

I woke up as we exited the freeway. I must have been in a Valium stupor cause for a second I was like "did that really just happen?" 

Daniel got me upstairs, I changed into some comfy pj's, snuggled into our bed and turned on some Netflix! Daniel got me some food and completely turned into attentive housemaid, making sure I was completely set before he headed off to pick up the boys. I insisted I was fine and off he went.

So, there you have it. I've been in bed or using the restroom for about 15 hrs. so far and it's GREAT! I woke up at 3:30am to use the restroom and couldn't fall back asleep and I figured I could sleep all day if I wanted to so I just stayed up!

So far, this morning I caught my 3-yr. old tip toeing through my room and when I said "hi" he informed me "you must sleep for 2 days and then I can see you". "No, my love, I don't HAVE to sleep, I just need to lay down and rest but you can come see me. He has now brought me my water bottle and toast like SUCH a big helper. As he left my room he said to himself "2 things...check"

I'll see if I can get this posted from my cell phone but if not I may not be able to post my musings till a few hours from now but figured writing them down now will ensure I remember what an amazing God filled day it was! Thank you to every single person that has been praying for us and over us throughout the last few months and especially this last week! We won't know if the embryo successfully implanted till late next week so if you would continue praying for this little life to snuggle in safe and sound for the next 9 months, we would be SO grateful! 

Shocked Not Shocked

Where to start?......Well I guess picking up where we left off is a good place!

After we passed the medical and psych evaluations we quickly headed into the legal contract stage.  We all REALLY wanted to aim for an embryo transfer in May so the end of April was a whirlwind of contracts and Attorney conversations and notarization and expedited mailings, etc.  One of the blessings to working with Surrogacy by Faith is that Amy (the founder and owner) really tries to listen to both parties through the whole process so when it comes to putting together a legal agreement, there is usually not much that needs to be changed because it has already been addressed.

After the legal contracts were finalized we went back into a waiting game for my ovulation.  At home tests were showing nothing so the doctor wanted me to come in for some ultrasounds and blood tests.  I ended up driving to North LA 4 out of 5 days until my numbers were finally up.  I told Daniel that I would drive every day for a month if it meant I wouldn’t need to take all the medications and shots most surrogates must beforehand!

I was SO encouraged on Wednesday when I was sitting in the waiting room for my ultrasound.  This sweet woman sat down next to me and said, “I have a weird question but are you Laura?” I said, “yes I am!”.  Turns out she is a friend of our Intended Parents, Chad and Stephanie, and Stephanie had given her my picture when she realized we both had appointments around the same time.  I had even arrived early so we had a few minutes to chat before I had to go back for my scan!  I wrote to Stephanie and said, “even though I KNOW you are real, this is the first person from your side of the ‘world’ that I’ve met in person and it feels even more real now!” On Friday (5/12) my numbers officially rose to the right amount and I began my five days of medication to prep my body to receive the little embie (embryo baby). 

You know that saying “sorry not sorry” when someone apologizes but really, they aren’t? I feel like my newest “slogan” for this Surrogacy journey is “SHOCKED NOT SHOCKED”.  Every time I start to worry that the timing won’t work out or that something won’t get done, it happens! Right when we need/want it to happen, the step takes place RIGHT ON TIME! During my first ultrasound on Monday the doctor noticed had I a small amount of liquid collected at the base of my internal C-section scar.  She said she would monitor it but if too much liquid accumulated it might have to be emptied. I began praying and asking others to pray that the liquid would go away on its own.  When I prayed, I would ask "Lord, please help the liquid go away.... BUT if it doesn't that's ok." I kept feeling like there was really no way it would go away and we'd have to work around it.  The morning before my next ultrasound 2 days later, I felt the tug on my heart to not add a "but" in my prayer but to pray with confidence that the liquid would be gone.  So that's what I did! I prayed "Lord help it be gone, amen."  About 30 minutes later the doctor looked and the screen and said, "the liquid is completely gone, Hallelujah!" Again, I was 'shocked not shocked'.

The most recent “shocked not shocked” moment for me was when I realized that I had volunteered, for the first time, to run our Sprung Ladies Luncheon at our church RIGHT at the same time the embie transfer may take place on May 20th.  Because of my irregular cycles there wasn’t any way to know exactly when my numbers would rise initiating the 5 days of meds followed by the transfer and then 48 hrs. of bed rest would occur.  As I started calculating the approximate window of the transfer I realized if my numbers didn’t rise soon I would be on bed rest right during the luncheon.  Now I must say the AMAZING ladies in my church are wonderful and I quickly started making my “understudies” for the different areas I was in charge of in case I couldn’t make it.  Even though the ladies assured me that they had it covered, I was almost in tears one night talking to Daniel because when I take on a responsibility it’s REALLY hard for me to have to hand it off because I feel like a failure.  Then I found out from Stephanie (Intended Mother) that their anniversary was the same weekend and had an away trip planned and were also hoping the transfer would happen before hand! So, my prayers quickly began to center around the right timing for all of it.  By Thursday my numbers still weren’t there, I was again beginning to get frustrated and a little nervous.  I continued to repeat “your timing God, your timing” even as my heart fretted.  I calculated that if I didn’t ovulate by Friday, I would be on bed rest during the luncheon. 

Thursday afternoon I took the home test and stood over it like a hawk! Felling like maybe if I “willed” the little happy face to appear it would have no choice but to obey!  When the little face popped up I raised my fists and just started chanting “YES! YES! YES!”.  I ran downstairs with a renewed excitement! I still needed to have my numbers confirmed by blood draw the next morning but the at home tests had been accurate the last 2 months so I was pretty confident!

To my delight my numbers shot up on Friday morning and I got the call from the nurse with all the instructions to start my medications! She also officially informed me that the transfer would take place on Wed. 5/17 at 1pm! That means I will finish with bed rest on Friday afternoon right in time for our luncheon the next day! Now, before I get too many concerned comments, I will still be taking it easy at the luncheon and not over do it, but I’m just so “shocked not shocked” again at God’s perfect timing!

Daniel and I decided a few days ago to tell the boys about our Surrogacy journey!  We had purchased a book called "The Kangaroo Pouch" that explains the process of surrogacy in a simple child's story. We decided with all the appointments coming up it would be easier for us, and them, if we could share openly about where we were going.  Gabriel (age 6) had some great questions about how the baby will get into my tummy.  Ethan (age 4) really had no questions and seemed fine with it.  Luke (age 3) had a little harder time understanding.  I told him that once the baby is in my tummy I won’t be able to pick him up and carry him anymore.  He got a very sad face and then asked, "will I be able to kiss the baby" and pointed to my tummy.  I told him he can kiss the baby as much as he wants once the baby is in my tummy and he was completely satisfied!  I just loved their innocent hearts that just accepted the idea.  We made it VERY clear that this will not be our baby brother or sister and the baby won't be coming home but will be given back to their parents when they are born.  They all just shook their heads in agreement and after a few more questions, moved on to their next activity as if it was a normal day!  Since then, I have been asked about 50 times " is the baby in your tummy yet?" and "what’s the baby's name".  Each time I gently remind them that I will let them know each step of the way! So, grateful for their sweet hearts and their willingness to help mommy when she has the baby in her tummy!

So, there you have it! This coming Wednesday at 1pm we will be praying our little hearts out for this little life that will hopefully begin its journey to birth! Would you pray along with us? Please pray for my body as it prepares for the next 4 days to receive this embie! Pray for us especially on Wednesday!  We are so excited because we will be leaving early and finally get a chance to meet Chad and Stephanie in person before the transfer! We’re getting together to have a meal and pray and then will travel together to the transfer center!

All this excitement and yet we also know that medications and preparations can only do so much.  We have no guarantee of a baby in the end but I find SO much peace knowing that from the very beginning we have only taken each next step as the Lord provided and if He is in control, we know that no matter the outcome, His ways are perfect!

Good News…. We’re not ENTIRELY crazy!

It’s been awhile and even though there haven’t been any BIG changes, I thought I would record some of the next steps we have taken.

In my last post, I mentioned our biggest prayer request was that I would be able to track my own cycle using at-home ovulation tests.  I started the day after my HSG test on day 11 of my cycle.  For anyone who has ever taken a pregnancy test, it kind of feels like that type of anticipation.  You wait 3 min while it blinks and then you either get a blank circle or a smiley face.  By about day 17 and the test still showed negative, I was getting frustrated and disappointed.  Sometimes even if I don’t FEEL like trusting God, I find if I repeat what I know in my heart, my head (even though it can be stubborn) will catch up eventually.  So, I spent those “3 min” in the morning repeating “Your will Lord, Your will”.  One morning the words of Lauren Daigle’s song Trust in You just starting flowing from my lips before I even realized it......

When you don't move the mountains
I'm needing you to move
When you don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When you don't give the answers
As I cry out to you
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in you

By day 20 I was just going through the motions.   I decided to call my fertility doctor’s nurse, Ruthie, to check in.  I told her my frustration that I was on day 20 and nothing had shown.  We talked a little more about my normal irregular cycles and she encouraged me to just try the next 2-5 days to see if it picks it up.  I also found out that the results from all my blood work a few weeks ago, had never been sent to them and that my HSG test had one dark spot that meant the doctor wants to do a second type of test to check out what it is exactly. (on a side note: the dark spot could have simply been an air bubble in the liquid during the test or a simple cluster of……something I can’t remember…. and IF it is, it’s a very easy procedure to remove that won’t affect my ability to be a surrogate at all).

So, I spent the rest of the day contacting the lab to have my results resent and then found out the lab incorrectly tested one vile so I needed to go back and have it re-drawn.  By the end of day 20 I had found out:

1- I needed to go back to the lab to have a re-draw

2- I was no longer immune to measles and needed to go have an MMR booster and would need to wait minimum 1 month before getting pregnant

3- I was going to need a second sonogram test to determine exactly what was on the HSG results x-ray

4- I had MOST likely missed my ovulation and needed to prepare myself for a program cycle with medication

It wasn’t the BEST ending to the day but it wasn’t the worst, sometimes having answers, whether good or bad, can be better than no answers at all.  I continued to pray in my head exactly what I KNEW in my heart, He was in control and He had a plan NO MATTER WHAT!

The next morning, I woke up and started researching where I could get an MMR vaccine and when I could go in for my re-draw of blood.  I had been testing my cycle first thing in the morning but Nurse Ruthie assured me that I didn’t need to worry about first thing and they usually encourage their patients to test in the afternoon.  So, for the first time in almost two weeks I didn’t jump out of bed super early and try to go back to bed all disappointed.  I just took a slow morning with the boys.  By the time Luke needed to go down for a nap, I figured now would be a good time to take the test.  I halfheartedly went through all the steps. I had left the light off in the bathroom because Luke was sleeping and was working by the light of our little night light.  I walked back into the bathroom and thought that circle looks much darker than normal.  I pulled the test stick into the light and the cutest little happy face smiled back at me!  I totally did a silent “snoopy dance” and almost started crying. 
via GIPHY
I took a pic (since it disappears after a few minutes), ran downstairs and messaged daniel, Stephanie (our IP mother), the surrogacy agency and anyone I could think of who had been praying for this!

I excitedly called Nurse Ruthie and she was excited (and as surprised as me) that I had detected the ovulation so late on day 21 but its normal for my cycle.  Within a few days, I got my MMR shot as well as my re-draw.  We got an official medical clearance from the Fertility Clinic, which meant we were set to go onto the next stage which would be the psychological evaluation.

So yesterday Daniel and I headed down to San Clemente to meet with the psychologist Surrogacy by Faith uses with all their surrogates.  The main part of the evaluation was for me but Daniel, as my partner (in crime), also needed to be evaluated.  On a side note: you know you’re a parent when the idea of driving an hour to go see a counselor with your husband feels like an AWESOME impromptu date!

I got to take a ‘fun’/weird private test with over 300 questions that was testing not only my personality but also my honesty. When you must answer questions like “I sometimes lose my temper and yell at people” with a “mostly true” all you want to do is tell the computer “but that’s because I have 3 boys who sometimes try to climb all over me while I’m cooking at a hot stove and the house smells like stinky shoes and dinner is from a box for the third night in a row, so give me a break Mr. computer, sometimes I lose my temper” but all you can click is true or false and hope the computer isn’t secretly judging you, you start to think “what kind of human being am I”.  BUT the truth is every single person has lost their temper and yelled at someone at some point in their life and the people who wrote this test knows that, they want to see if we will admit to being human! 

Luckily, I passed the “written exam” and both daniel and I had our interviews without any glitches! When our time was up she stood up, shook out hands and said “I think you’re going to make an amazing surrogate”.  It was a very enduring statement for me to hear because I’ll admit that there have been many times when I’ve lost my temper and found myself crying in the corner and I’ve told Daniel in-between sobs “How did I EVER think I could be a surrogate when I can barely take care of our own family” (let’s just say this has only happened twice since Nov and ALWAYS around a “certain time of the month”).  Daniel sits there with his arm around me and lovingly assures me that I haven’t emotionally scarred the children for life and that everyone has bad days and that we’ll make it through Surrogacy just like we have made it through every adventure we’ve tackled, together with God’s help.  (Have I mentioned recently what an AMAZING man, husband, partner I have in this crazy roller coaster called life? Cause I do!).

So here we are:

                  ü  Medical screening 

ü  Psych Evaluation (Hence the title of this post: Good News…. We’re not ENTIRELY crazy!)

ü  Ovulation detected

Next up will be my follow up saline sonogram on April 5^th to check the dark spot from my HSG test, testing my ovulation again for my next cycle to confirm I can accurately detect naturally and the Legal Contracts which will be sent out shortly for us to look over and sign.

I find it SO like our God to bring me RIGHT up to the boundaries of “possibility” to see if I will continue to trust in Him or just revert back to my trust in the world.  I SERIOUSLY considered stopping testing on day 20 because I figured it was nearly impossible that my cycle would be that long.  I was disheartened by incorrect tests, needing to get a shot that would require ANOTHER month of waiting and the idea that I couldn’t track me cycle.  BUT at the end of day 20 I continued to sing those lyrics in my heart because I KNEW that even if things didn’t go my way, even if He chose not to move a mountain in front of me or if He asked me to walk through the waters, He wouldn’t stand on shore and watch me go, He would take EVERY SINGLE STEP with me cause day 21 was just around the corner.  Its those moments dear ones where we either choose to follow in the face of uncertainty our own fears/disappointments and try to MAKE something happen or choose and trust that no matter the outcome, His way is perfect. 

Handing it ALL over to God

March 1 was the official first day of my Surrogacy Insurance so we were able to start getting a bunch of testing done.  It also happened to be Daniel’s and my 9th wedding anniversary and I found it very sweet and enduring that 9 years ago I was waiting eagerly for March 1 and over the last few weeks I was eagerly awaiting March 1 again so we could take the next step on our Surrogacy Journey!

Early on March 1 I went in for an HSG test.  This lovely procedure tests to make sure I have no scar tissue within my Fallopian tubes.  Even though my tubes will not be used for any of this process, it’s a precaution to check and make sure there is no blockage of any kind.  I got up at 4:30 am in order to leave by 5 for my trek to North LA.  This drive can take anywhere from 45min to 1.5 hours and I didn’t want to miss my appointment.  I ended up arriving over an hour before my appointment so I just napped in the car!  They showed me my x-rays right after the procedure and everything looked clear! Another box checked off the list!

I made the trek home just in time to take the boys to their weekly Homeschool co-op class in the park.  I was feeling completely fine from the procedure but the early wake up call had me with my head down on the picnic table for most of the class.  At the same time, it happened to be the same day I stopped taking my vitamins and pills in order to clean out my system.  One ingredient in these pills were small amounts of caffeine and my body was NOT very happy about no caffeine and early roll call but if fatigue was the worst I was facing, I was going to be fine.

Since the fertility doctor is farther away, I wanted to start getting my blood work done asap so hopefully we could combine the HSG test follow up, blood work follow up and at-home ovulation test follow up all in the same appointment.  So after daniel got home that afternoon, I trekked over to the local lab to start my blood work.  They ended up taking 11 vials of blood and by the time I got home, I was was way over due for a nap! (Again, if fatigue is the worst ‘symptom’ I face on a testing day, I really have nothing to complain about J)

2 days later I went off for my final blood test which required me to fast 10-12 hours.  I needed to be tested when I arrived, at 1 hour and at hour 2.  I wasn’t allowed to leave the waiting room or walk around excessively because it could affect the test.  It was actually a very relaxing time since I brought my Bible and was able to catch up on my reading through the Bible in a year in a nice quiet, kid-free, area! You can always find a silver lining if you look hard enough!

Well, after another 6 vials drawn over the 2 hours, my total came to 17 vials of blood in 3 days!

Cue the music....

via GIPHY

At this point I’m only responsible to continue tracking my cycle using the at-home ovulation tests.  Some people have asked why I need to know my ovulation if we aren’t using my egg.  If everything goes well and I can track my own cycle this month, then next month I will track again and the day after the test detects I’m ovulating, we go into LA for the implantation.  It’s when my body is prepared to accept a fertilized egg and the best chance for the embryo to “stick”.

I wanted to share with you a a very sweet moment I had this week:

As I was driving home from LA I had this amazing moment as I was thinking about this journey.  As frustrating as traffic in LA can be, it can also be a beautiful opportunity to have some time with our Lord and Savior!  I was thinking about how calm I felt.  How the Lord had opened door after door, how the test I kept taking continued coming back clear, how the difficult appointments I needed seemed to be working out, etc.  And then I ‘saw’ a picture in my heart.

Let me set up the scene I saw by talking to all the parents out there.  Have you ever had those moments when your toddler/young child wants to carry something that is OBVIOUSLY too heavy for them.  You, as the parent, reach out and ask them “Do you want me to carry that for you?” Most of the time they will shy away from you, pulling the load to the other side of their body with a frown and say “NO, I can do it”.  Sometimes you’ll ask again, trying to assure them that you have plenty of strength to carry it and that you don’t mind helping them at all.  This, in turn, usually results in a more stubborn child INSISTING from their very soul that they ‘HAVE GOT THIS!’

And then it happens.  They either drop the load for the 10^th time or their resolve in believing they can drag it all the way begins to fail.  They start looking around for you and then your eyes meet.  You have a sweet smile on your face and their grumpy face melts and you both know you’ve come to agreement.  You walk up next to them and put out your hand and they lay the load in your arms.  Sometimes they actually say “thanks mom” but sometimes they just smile at you with appreciation.  You both turn and continue down the path.  Each of you carrying what you can handle and happy to be side by side.

That’s what I saw in my heart about my walk with God over the last 6 months.  I turned 30 in November and my sister had prepared me that things “just change” in your thirties.  It could be physical, emotional, mental or a combination of all 3.  I can’t really explain it but I have felt SO much more “ok” with myself.  People I used to avoid in person or online because I felt I could NEVER live up to their amazing walk with the Lord or motherhood or general well-being, I suddenly found I could enjoy seeing them or their posts because I was ok with where I’m at.  I can see the good I’ve done and accept a complement.  I’m not saying I’m completely FULL of myself and I ‘FINALLY SEE HOW AMAZING I AM” cause that’s not it at all.  I think I’m starting to see my life through God’s eyes and not the World’s eyes.

So that brings me back to my drive home.  I had this picture of my current life, especially this surrogacy journey, of God and I walking side by side.  We weren’t even talking, just walking together.  Over his shoulder was this huge bag full of all my worries, fears, concerns and efforts to make this all work out.  He wasn’t even straining to hold it up! Almost like a lumberjack carrying a massive ax over his shoulder like a feather.  The best part of all was the smile on both our faces!  There I was, just being me and carrying exactly the amount of worry I was supposed to be carrying….none.  And there was God, happy from the top of His head to His strong toes because I was allowing Him to do EXACTLY what He has always wanted me to do, hand it all over to him!

And so we walked, side by side and just smiled! Almost like my happiness of having no ‘load’ to carry made Him even happier!  And so that’s how I will continue to walk this surrogacy road.  I continue to hand every care and worry over to Him and He continues to take each one with a smile that says “I’ve got this”.

Dear friends, if you are carrying a ‘load’ right now and you have continued to shy away from the Father’s open hand, just give it over, He’s strong enough to take it!

Step by Step

Here we go, next installment! I haven’t caught everyone up to date with where we are at currently so here is another installment to attempt that.

As we continued to take step after step on our surrogacy journey back in Nov. I realized that I was going to need to leave my part time job at the local Christian Bookstore.  The same day I gave my notice at work we had a pastor come to the store to pick up some Bibles that were being donated to the homeless shelter he runs.  There were 2 huge carts of Bibles so I helped him roll them out to his car and load them up.  As he closed the trunk he said "Can I pray for you, Laura? I feel like the Holy Spirit wants me to pray for a big decision that you have been waiting on."  I told him I would appreciate it.

In the back of my head the question of Surrogacy was there but I also remember thinking "that’s KINDA a generic reason to pray for someone since many people have “big decisions” on their plate".  Still, I appreciated his willingness to follow the Holy Spirit's leading and he began to pray.  He went between praying in tongues to English and then half way through his prayer I could tell he had stretched out his hand.  He wasn't touching me but he had outstretched his hand toward my stomach and he prayed "I feel the Lord asking me to pray over your stomach and for whatever big decision that involves your tummy.”  I broke down right there and wept as I stood in wonder of the Holy Spirit using this man I had just met.  He finished praying and I asked if I could hug him.  I think he was a little taken aback but he gave me a hug and said "I have no idea what I did or why the Lord asked that of me, but He does and I just followed His leading.

I walked back into the store and headed to my boss’s (as well as one of my closest friend’s) office and broke down crying.  I shared with him why I had given my notice and told him about the pastor praying over my stomach.  Stories like these have been FILLING the pages of this journey!

One night as we were continuing to hash through if this was REALLY something God was asking us to pursue I remember standing at the sink washing dishes after dinner. I turned to Daniel, who was at the dining room table with the boys, and said “it’s weird to think that as HARD as we are praying about if this is the right decision for me to be a surrogate, there is possibly another family praying JUST as hard for the Lord to provide the right surrogate for them”.

After we had met with our pastor, we felt that for this journey our prayer would be “Lord, we’re going to take each next step that we come to, and if this is NOT Your will, then shut the door.” To our surprise and joy, not only has He not closed the doors but they have been FLYING open in front of us!

Before we officially chose to go with the Surrogacy by Faith agency, I had a long conversation with Amy (the founder and owner) over the phone one night.  We went over my desires and hopes for this journey as well as my preferences on different issues.  One part of Surrogacy that I never realized is that the MAJORITY of surrogates in the US actually carry for international couples.  Amy told me that the laws are so STRONG here to guarantee that not only the Intended Parents (IP) show up at the birth to take their child home, but to make sure the surrogate shows up as well and doesn’t run off with the baby.  International laws can make surrogacy difficult so many parents choose to use a surrogate in the US.  I remember I was slightly saddened because I had been envisioning walking this road closely with the IP's and their family.  Praying over this child, going to ultrasounds together, texting each other when baby kicked, etc.  Amy kind of paused over the phone and said “well something interesting AND unique happened just a few days ago.” She had gotten a call from a local married, Christian couple interested in Surrogacy.  She had no idea if they would choose to go with Surrogacy by Faith but how interesting that both they and I had contacted her in the same week.

After I completed my surrogacy profile, Amy, after talking more with the local couple, decided to send them my profile before she even published it on the website.  Chad and Stephanie (the local couple that had called her a few days prior to me contacting her) read about my heart for this journey and felt so connected that they wanted to move forward with me being their surrogate.  Amy then sent me the Chad and Stephanie's profile and I started tearing up and immediately sent it to Daniel at work and asked him to read it when he had a chance.  He also started tearing up and we could not believe how God had brought our families together all within the same week with the same heart for this surrogacy journey!

On Dec 18, we had a video call planned with both Amy and Chad and Stephanie to get to know each other and talk about our lives, journeys and hopes.  We each shared our married life stories but mainly focused on our lives of pregnancies and babies.  We laughed, cried and listened to each other’s love and loss of babies and at different points all the women had cried as we bonded!  Usually in these phone calls, the IPs and Surrogates get to know each other and then you hang up and can let Amy know if you want to proceed with the couple. IP’s get to choose and surrogates get to choose.  Amy hinted that we could end now but we all already knew our answer and we officially “chose” each other right then and there since we all had been praying over this phone call for days.  Our phones started dying from all the power and whenever someone “dropped out” of the phone call we’d hang on until a charger was found and we’d continue.  3 hours after we had started we all realized we needed to head to bed.  Amy said that these phone calls are usually about 30 min and she was excited that we all had been chatting for 3 HOURS! We could not have prayed for a more wonderful, love filled video chat!

Since it was right before Christmas, we had to wait a few weeks before we could really get things moving with the fertility clinic that Chad and Stephanie used.  We continued to share more and more with friends and family about this journey.  We shared with our church during a quick announcement at church and asked for their prayers as we continued to take each next step.

***Everything up to this point has been memories from Nov-Feb.  At this point I’m hoping to post updates about our current step and situation.  At some point in these future posts I may share the different medical procedures I went through but will try not to get too graphic***

On Feb 10, we had our first appointment at the UCLA Medical Plaza to meet with our doctor who Chad and Stephanie had worked with and will be our doctor for the embryo implantation.  It was our initial appointment so there was lots of paperwork and medical history questions. 

When we met with the doctor we were excited to learn that we may be able to attempt a natural cycle.  This means if I can track and detect my own natural cycle/ovulation then we could plan the implantation of the embryo around my cycle and would not require any additional medication.

Since we had time, we decided to check one more box off our list and we did a “Trial Transfer”.  This is a simple process where the Dr. tests to make sure there won’t be any issues using the device to implant the embryo in the next few months.  It went very smoothly and the doctor believes it will be a easy transfer when the time is right.

Right now, our BIGGEST prayer request is that using the at-home ovulation tests, I would be able to accurately track my own cycle which means we could implant as soon as April.  If I’m unable to track it accurately, then we will move onto a Program Cycle which includes medications, hormones and shots that will put my cycle into a regulated state where the doctor can know the exact best time to implant the embryo.

Since the UCLA facility is on the other side of LA, we are going to wait and do all the different blood tests, glucose test, reproductive tests, etc. at once when I go in next month. 

At this point we have signed no legal contracts as we must wait for the all the medical tests to come back clear and then Daniel and I will have a psychological evaluation with a Psychiatrist who has worked with Surrogates before. 

Steps continue to be taken and God continues to provide at every point!  In a future post I'd love to introduce you all to Chad and Stephanie and their story and how the Lord has brought them to this surrogacy journey as well!

We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.  Proverbs 16:9