Ok MAYBE I used a little “click bait” as the title for my
last post in this blog, but I’ve been saying this to many people over the last
few weeks after Magnolia was born…. I have the worst surrogacy story BUT it’s
also one of the best. The reason I tell people I have the worst surrogacy story is
because how easy this whole journey has been.
I’m a little hesitant to use the word ‘easy’ but I also don’t want to
ever downplay how AMAZING God has been in each and every step of this journey.
Let me try to explain why I have the worst surrogacy story to share….
Back in Nov 2016 in the first few days of contemplating and
praying about if we should even pursue surrogacy, I was given the link to
another surrogate’s blog about her whole journey. I seriously sat at the computer for a few
hours over the next two days reading each post.
I told people I needed to know the good, the bad and the ugly so I could
move forward. The blog I read through
had posts about the numerous shots leading up to transfer including the big
needle needed right before. It told of
the 20lbs the meds added to her waistline before the transfer even took place. She even faced a life-threatening complication
during the birth. I read through it all
and felt more informed on this process we were looking into. I prepared myself for multiple shots over
multiple days, possibility of multiple transfers and complicated
pregnancies. I was READY!
In a way it KINDA reminds me of when I was in jr.
high. Not sure if they still do it in
public schools today, but we had a police officer with the D.A.R.E. program
come in a few times and talk to us about the dangers of smoking and drugs and taught
us how to “just say no”. I was READY! Bring
it on, cool kids leaning against the back wall, I could just say no! Bring it
on peer pressure at a party, I was ready to just say no! Not one SINGLE time in
my entire life have I been offered a cigarette or drugs! I remember thinking, “I’m
ready! I’m secure in myself to not succumb to peer pressure, I’m ready to just
say no and no one is asking me!”
How does this even remotely relate to our surrogacy journey?
Well I was ready for the shots and disappointments and high-risk pregnancy,
bring it on! I might have been ready but God was even more so!
From the first medical evaluation appointment I should
have realized this was going to be different than I anticipated. Test after test came back clear. Procedure after procedure went off without a
hitch! Even when we had to repeat blood draws or scans to double check,
everything came back clear, my body was ready! So much so that because of our
unique circumstances which was Chad and Stephanie already had frozen embryos waiting
and that my menstrual cycle was relatively regular, I wasn’t going to need to
take a single shot to prepare my body.
We weren’t going to need extra hormones to sync Stephanie’s and my
cycles for the transfer. Even the tiny
at-home ovulation tests worked fine.
From there on out everything went just as smoothly. We transferred one embryo and she “stuck” and
began growing as needed. I had
appointment after appointment with the OB/GYN where he would walk in, say “your
numbers look great, how are you feeling?”, I’d reply “just fine” and he’d say “ok
see you in a few weeks”. They became the
most boring appointments and yet the best kind, with no complications.
Then Magnolia came and yes, I struggled with some nausea,
but other than that the birth was very normal and safe. My healing has been quick and easy with no
complications. My breastmilk even came
in strong enough to supply Magnolia with some for the first month or
so.
And these are just a FEW examples of how doors flew up
for us, how our every hope and dream for this journey came to pass.
But there was another area that we never saw
coming…. The Martins. We had wanted to
walk this journey with a local couple so we could pray and experience this all
with them but we also prepared ourselves that we may carry for an international
couple that we may only meet once or twice.
But yet again, God decided to add another cherry on top of this amazing
journey that we never could have anticipated and that is friends for life. And I want to make this clear, we are not
close with the Martins just because I carried Magnolia in my womb. From the first time we met in person on the
day of the transfer, we all knew a much deeper relationship was forming before
our very eyes. By the time we got a
chance to spend a few days getting to know each other and discovering more and
more similarities, I felt like I was carrying a child for a family member. Not only does this not always happen in a
surrogacy relationship, I’m coming to realize this RARELY happens at all in a
surrogacy journey.
So, this…. ALL of this, is why we have the worst
surrogacy story. You see, right now
people are still kind of interested in how it all went and how we are all
recovering, but quickly the “hype” will just naturally calm down and this blog may
just sit in internet space until another woman considering becoming a surrogate
runs across it and wants to know the good, the bad and the ugly. I’m not sure
our story would be the best to read because we had good on top of good on top
of amazing. I hope this isn’t coming
across arrogant or bragging cause I SERIOUSLY feel like Paul right now when I say:
“Let the one who boasts, boast in the
Lord.” 2 Corinthians 10:17
This journey was not by our might, or Chad and Stephanie’s
might or even the multiple doctor’s might, this journey was fulfilled by God
and God alone. And so, even though our
journey may not be the best one to prepare someone for the difficulties that
surrogacy can bring, I can’t sit back and not sing His praises for all He has
done!
……
Well that took a little longer to explain the title than I
thought but if you are still with me, let me give you all a little update and
post-birth musings from the last two months.
First and foremost, Magnolia Grace is happy and healthy and thriving! She
sleeps like a champ and is just so content! Her brothers love her with all
their tiny little hearts and have adapted so well to their little sister. Chad and Stephanie each had some time off after
she was born and have had time with family and friends to also sing God’s
praises for bringing another little life into their family!
As for our family and myself, we are doing well
also. I’ll be honest, it has been a VERY
busy first 3 months of 2018. Not sure if
I just blocked out the ends of my previous pregnancies but the month of January seemed much more draining than I remember with my own kids. BUT we were SO incredibly blessed to have
Daniel’s mom with us for the final 3 weeks and I was able to relax and rest and
get through the final weeks. Then of
course there was the birth on Jan 26 via C-section which requires its own form
of healing. Then we had a month of
healing and getting back to normal and trying to pump breastmilk, etc. Then from March 3-21 we went to South Africa
to visit Daniel’s side of the family which included 4 ten-hour flights, 2 four-hour
layovers, 2 five-hour drives and lots of fun and adventure! So, you can
understand how when we got back I was feeling a little frazzled while trying to
get back into finishing our homeschooling year, weaning off of pumping breastmilk,
starting the long journey to lose the pregnancy weight and lots more. I’ve been
telling people it feels like 2018 has just begun for me!
I’ve had a few people pull me aside and ask “how are you
doing, REALLY?” and I will give them a REAL answer and here it is…. I’m doing
REALLY well! Yes, my body is readjusting
to hormones AGAIN and yes, I’ve had some seriously exhausting days but I think
what they are wondering is if I’ve been facing any post-partum issues like
depression or sadness over not bringing a baby home. No, I haven’t felt any issues with not
bringing a baby home. In fact, at one
point I told Daniel “wow, I feel like I’m bouncing back SO much better and
easier than my other pregnancies” only to realize, DUH, I don’t have a tiny
human attached to me at all hours of the day and night. It’s amazing how fast
your can recover from surgery when all you’re in charge of is healing and
getting better. Yes, I am still a mom of
3 rambunctious boys that require schooling and food and clean underwear, but it
is much different having 3 older children than having an infant at home.
I have shared with people the two strongest emotions I felt
after Magnolia was born, and hear me out all the way before you start worrying
that I’m depressed, was Alone and Useless.
It wasn’t till the day after Magnolia’s birth that I first
realized how alone I felt. In South
Africa, they wouldn’t let Daniel stay in the hospital at night but I had a baby
to take care of and feed and be in charge of.
It’s kind of weird being in a maternity ward with no child to be in
charge of. In fact, Daniel came with the
boys to visit me and so the boys could see Magnolia the next day but then he
had to leave to do some work at church.
I remember calling him and begging him to come back as soon as he could
cause I missed him so much. I felt
alone. Chad and Stephanie took Magnolia
home that day and Daniel had a cub scout event to take Gabriel to that night so
I only had a little bit of interaction in the middle of the day. I remember when Daniel got there I VERY
gently scooted to the side of my hospital bed and asked him to come cuddle with
me. I craved human touch. Again, it wasn’t that I was craving holding a
baby, I just didn’t know what to do with myself and I missed my husband!
The other emotion that was the toughest of the two for me
to process and I’m STILL processing is, useless.
With my 3 boys, my breastmilk came in before we even left the hospital. With the pumping it took about a week after
Magnolia’s birth before my milk supply came in enough to start storing it. I was getting frustrated and felt like I was
so useless. Eventually my milk did come
in and I felt like I had a purpose again.
Unfortunately, covering up an emotion instead of dealing with it usually
means it will rear its ugly head again eventually. While we were in South Africa, Magnolia ran
out of the milk I had pumped (which we knew would happen) and had a tough time
transitioning to formula but after a few days was doing much better. Chad and Stephanie decided instead of transitioning
her back and forth again, they would just stick with formula. Like I said earlier, emotions that are
covered up will usually appear again and it did. For a few days I almost felt like I was in an
emotional detox. I began to feel useless
again and I also struggled with the teeter totter thoughts that pumping would
continue to help my body lose weight ‘easier’ BUT I had actually come to really
dislike doing it and getting up the in the middle of the night. Eventually I made the decision to start
weaning off of pumping and its been SO good for me. I’m finally accepting that I don’t have to
physically be performing some kind of ‘task’ in order to be useful. In a way, I’m finally allowing my body to go
through the final ‘healing process’ of this journey.
So that’s it I think! I’m glad I finally got the
motivation to sit down and write out this final post. I hope my heart came across in these final
musings and as always, if anyone ever has any questions PLEASE feel free to
ask! Even going through this I STILL don’t
have all the answers about IVF and surrogacy and such, but I can answer from my
own experience whatever anyone would like to know.
And so ends this amazing journey and yet, in a way, it
has all really just begun….
