Somedays the words just seem to fly out of my finger tips
and onto the page. I don’t really WANT
to write but I have this strange sensing that it’s important that I write
tonight. Who knows if I’ll get the guts
to post it but right now all I keep thinking is…. write it out.
So, our surrogacy journey has been AMAZING so far! Seriously….
AMAZING! And that is due to one HUGE factor; how God-soaked it has been. From Day 1 of thinking about surrogacy and
finding out from Daniel that the Lord asked him to start praying about it 3
months earlier to the little “revelations” God has given me each step of the
way on how to trust Him more! From
finding a Christian Surrogacy Agency in my “backyard” of Orange County to
calling that same agency the exact same week our IP’s contacted them as well.
I mean, COME ON! I couldn’t have predicted how incredibly
GOD-DRENCHED this process has been. And I
don’t think I FULLY appreciated it until a few days ago. I decided to finally start looking into
different Surrogate online support groups just to see if any would be fun to be
a part of. I found one BIG group on Facebook
and after being accepted I decided to send out a little “Hi there, I’m a first-time
surrogate who just had a transfer on wed and I’m nervously waiting for the
follow up blood test, etc.” Within about
24 hrs. of posting I had another surrogate comment on how I had incorrectly labeled
one section of my journey. I explained what
I meant by using that term and she continued to INSIST I was wrong to call it
that. Let me pause there and say I HATE
confrontation, ESPECIALLY on Facebook. I
responded again and this time said, “Your comments are sounding very critical”
to which she responded that I had issues being corrected and my post would tell
newbies that they could do it that way and its easy and common and it’s not and
I must just have issues.” I wrote out a
reply that defended and reiterated my first point and then erased it all. I didn’t need to rise to the occasion. I ended the conversation and then turned around
and exited the group. My heart was racing
and I started crying. I couldn’t believe
what had just happened! I had been on this journey for MONTHS expecting to face
opposition and I hadn’t; that is not until I joined a surrogate group and felt
attacked by another surrogate!
And that’s when it hit me, my surrogacy journey has and is
unique. I had a glimpse into the secular
side of surrogacy and, even though I KNOW not all surrogates are that way, I was
hurt by what I experienced. I quit the
group and in-between tears I wrote out a late-night text to my IP, and now good
friend, Stephanie and Amy, the founder of Surrogacy by Faith. These women haven’t just been my mentor and
partners in this journey. We have shared
tears and fears and joys together in such a short time frame and knew I could “lean
on them.”
They encouraged me and prayed for me and “listened” to me
(through text) and continue to accept me, flaws and all. I don’t need a big support group because God
has SURROUNDED me with friends and family that are walking this road with us
every step of the way.
Fast forward to last night.
I just started feeling BLEH! Like I had this sense that the embie didn’t
implant and I wasn’t pregnant. I decided
to go buy some at-home pregnancy tests that night and decided I would try this
morning. I had at least 2 different
dreams about using the test. In the morning,
it was a big fat negative. I wasn’t completely
crushed because there are SO many reasons surrogates get negatives using
at-home tests, especially this early after transfer but it still didn’t start
my day off very positive.
So, I guess I’m finally to the part about why I feel I need
to write tonight. I feel emotionally
EXHAUSTED! This waiting period is BY FAR the hardest part of this journey so
far. We’ve had a heat wave so there is
no way to tell if my fatigue is from heat or Prego hormones starting to fill my
body. My appetite has changed as well
which could easily be from the heat also.
With my third son, one of the first signs I knew I was Prego
was when I looked in the mirror and I felt like I had gained 5 pounds right in
my mid-section overnight. Came to find
out that after you’ve had one baby, sometimes your ligaments, and such, can
release when your body starts growing another child. Basically, the left-over baby skin/fat loses
its elasticity and you can feel like you look bloated or gained weight.
So of course, I’ve been looking for that same outcome this
time and I definitely feel bloated but again that could be from eating junk
during the heatwave.
Can you hear the mental roller coaster I’ve been on?
And yet I CONTINUE to try and place every thought and care
back in God’s hands because I KNOW He has a plan no matter what it is.
Some days I think “there is NO WAY He brought us this far
just to let this transfer fail” and then I think “But His ways are NOT our ways
and He has a plan that may not include my plan.”
So here I am; 6 days after transfer and both excited and
dreading Friday morning. That’s when I will
go bright and early for a blood test to see if there is any HCG developing in
my body indicating the embie is growing.
I realized tonight as I was putting my boys to bed that this
time suddenly reminded me of another time I waited with baited breath for a
blood test. We had gone in for our 10-week
check-up with our first baby to find an empty uterus where a tiny little peanut
should have been growing. They thought
maybe I wasn’t as far along as I thought and took a blood test to check my HCG
levels. They said they would test again
in a day or 2 because my numbers are supposed to double every few days. I was crushed. I had to leave work to go get the second test
done and by the time I got back to work and signed into my health portal
online, it showed my numbers had dropped 5000 units. It was confirmed, I was losing our first
precious child.
Although this waiting is not the same, in a way I notice it
is. If Friday never comes then I can
keep hoping. BUT when Friday DOES come, I
COULD find extreme joy. Does anyone else
ever feel that way? Excited and dreading something at the same time?
Another sign that COULD indicate nothing is the fact that I keep
tearing up at the drop of a hat! But even without Prego hormones, this whole
process is SO emotional, it could simply be my body responding to the
situation. I was in the car on the way
to worship practice and a song came on the radio and there I went again, the
lump in the through and the tears welling up in the corner of my eyes.
This last Sunday I was on stage and we got to bridge of the
last song and it hit me like a heavenly ton of bricks (is that even a thing?)
We lift up our eyes,
lift up our eyes,
You’re the Giver of
Life
I couldn’t sing. Luckily,
I’m just a backup singer so my inability to get the words out among the lump in
my throat didn’t keep others from continuing to worship. And when I say I couldn’t
sing, I don’t mean I didn’t believe it.
IF anything, my heart burst forth from my chest and all I could do was
repeat it in my heart and pray over this little life in my womb trying to grow.
And then that reminded me of my first Sunday back on worship
team after losing our first child in a miscarriage. I stood on that same stage and sang that God
was in control while tears poured down my cheeks.
I don’t think anyone knows the incredible power of song
until you hear a song that seems to apply to EXACTLY what you are going
through. I think the Holy Spirt would be
a worship leader if he ever had one specific job. When my heart fails me and I cannot speak,
the Holy Spirt does it for me in song.
So, this is probably one of the most confusing, jumping
around blog posts anyone will ever read but again, I felt I needed to
write. All my other posts have been on
the other side of the worry and doubt with the “YAY it worked out” to finish it
with.
Not this one because this one is from the Valley of
Doubt. This post is written by a woman
who wonders what will happen in 3 days. This one is written by a girl who laid
next to her husband last night and asked him to pray for her cause she just didn’t
know if she could find the words that night.
This one is a post of uncertainty BUT this post is also one of unending HOPE
because…
…. being confident of
this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until
the day of Christ Jesus. Phil. 1:6
So, I don’t know what my next post will be about. If it will be laced with joy or sorrow, BUT I
can tell you this, God has and will continue to be a part of the journey and as
long as He provides a way to try, I will be first in line to grab His hand as
many times as He offers it. Cause even
in the Valley of Doubt He is sitting RIGHT next to me saying “I got this, I’ve
got a plan.” Ok Lord, let’s go!
