Houston....we have Implantation!

Wow, this specific pregnancy journey has been more of an emotional roller coaster than I would have EVER imagined. 

Most women decide after a missed period to pick up a test at home, the next morning you pee on it and SURPRISE, you're pregnant. In my case I would wait a few weeks and then we would go into our first appointment where we would get to see a tiny little bean with a fluttering heartbeat. That's about all the steps for the first few weeks of my pregnancies with my 3 boys.

Going on this Surrogacy journey has OPENED my eyes to the plight of women who have fertility issues.  From the MOMENT, I got off bedrest 2 days after the transfer to this morning has seriously felt like 6 months when, in reality, it's been about 11 days. 11 mentally EXHAUSTING days of scrutinizing every single twinge, bump and sign that COULD or Could NOT mean the little embie had implanted.

I had days I swore I wasn't pregnant cause I felt absolutely no signs and felt fine physically -- which would send me into a downward spiral mentally and I worried and googled EVERY SINGLE SYMPTOM I felt.

I broke down on day 5 and took a pregnancy test which showed an iridescent line that I think only my highly in-tuned prego-hopeful eyes could see. On Tuesday, I swore there was something there a tiny bit darker and on Wednesday a tiny bit darker. I took pictures of them lined up and sent them to my sister and our IP's seeing if I was crazy. They saw them too but still I worried. 

I also googled every known fact about IVF (in vitro fertilization) and FET (frozen embryo transfer). I learned EVERY acronym that goes along with a surrogacy journey like dpo (days past ovulation) and 5dp5dt (5 days past a 5-day old embryo transfer) as well as some acronyms I didn't necessarily WANT to learn like m/c (miscarriage) and cp (chemical pregnancy). 

I mean seriously! I spent HOURS pouring over chat threads of women comparing beta numbers (HCG blood tests) and experiences.  I looked at picture after picture of HPTs (home pregnancy tests) lined up one under another as other women wanted to know if anyone else saw the line they think they saw. I had become one of "those surrogates" checking EVERYTHING. And every time I would whine to Daniel that I thought the transfer just didn't work he would calmly reply, "just wait for the blood test babe." To which I'd give him the stink eye and insist "I JUST CAN’T STAND THE WAITING!"

So, our 9dp5dt (do you feel 'fertility smart' now because you know what that means? I kind of do) beta blood test arrived. I went bright and early to UCLA and got home before Daniel even had to leave for work. And then, earlier than I thought possible, my phone rang with a 310 number (Los Angeles). I answered as calmly as possible, pretending like I didn't know who was on the other line. It was our fertility doctor's nurse. She sounded in good spirits and told me the good news was that I was definitely pregnant. Then I asked her what my HCG levels were. For someone who had spent DAYS researching average fertility reports, I knew we were looking for something close to 100. My heart sank a little when she said my numbers were only 62. I tried to stay calm over the phone and the nurse assured me that MANY factors can account for slightly lower numbers like when the baby actually implanted in the 24-48 hrs. after transfer. Your body instantly starts producing HCG after implantation so someone with an embie that implants within a few hours could have a 2 day jump on someone whose embie waited the full 48 hrs. to implant. Also, our embie was frozen and sometimes those little ones can take a little bit longer to "warm up" to the idea and start producing the HCG.

Even though she gave me all these reassurances, it didn't keep me from BREAKING DOWN after I hung up. Daniel was getting ready for work and I just lost it. Like full on "prego hormone" sobs. I felt SO torn AGAIN. I thought this phone call would put us clearly on one side or the other: pregnant or not pregnant. Now I had to wait another 48 hrs. to see if my numbers would double like they were supposed to while I jumped back online searching "first beta of 62 9dp5dt". I think I read the same chat threads like 10 times and STILL I worried. People had gotten numbers as low as 20 on their first beta and still had healthy babies after 9 months. Some had the perfect numbers and had lost the baby in a miscarriage. 

Do you know what I learned from ALL my research??????? There is ABSOLUTELY NO solid answer to whether your embie is healthy and growing and if he/she will make it to due date. Some people had every single sign and weren't pregnant and some people had no signs at all and had a BFP (Big Fat Positive).

I'm tellin’ ya' it felt like I was on Disney's California Screamin' roller coaster for the lasts 11 days! 

So that brings us to this morning. The only, and I mean ONLY, solid piece of advice I could get was that your numbers doubling every 48 hours is the best sign that the embie is growing. In fact, as much as the first number is important, it's really the second draw that will tell you what side of the line you are on for at least the next few weeks until the first ultrasound.

So that's what we prayed our little hearts out for! Grow little baby, double those numbers, grow little baby! 

So, as many of you know, my husband, Daniel, is the assistant pastor at our church and I sing on the worship team. Basically, we are at church every single Sunday unless we have been hit by a plague. Today I just couldn't go. I went super early with the boys for the blood draw in north LA and then dropped them off at church and switched cars and headed home. I knew I would be a nervous wreck all morning till I got the call and I just needed to NOT be in a public place when I would most likely get the call.

So, I went home and did some laundry. We were hoping we would get the call by 10 am but 10 came and went and with each passing minute I felt more and more like I was going to throw up (not because of prego morning sickness, just a nervous tummy). Luckily, I remembered to take my phone each time I went to switch a load because I had just pulled the first load out of the dryer when my phone began to ring. I looked down and a big UCLA Hospital stared back at me. I took a breath and answered as nonchalantly as possible. Of course, my first instinct was to yell "You're killing me Smalls, just give me the digits!" BUT I restrained myself and "acted surprised" to hear it was the fertility Fellow on call, calling with my results......

139....139....139!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My numbers had double plus a little extra from 62 to 139, I was RIGHT where I was supposed to be. He told me to continue my meds and to call on Tuesday to set up my first ultrasound in a little over a week!

I thanked him very politely and told him to have a good weekend like the last 11 days hadn't been TORTURE to me and he wasn't telling me anything I didn't know (yeah RIGHT). I hung up and messaged Chad and Stephanie, Amy (from surrogacy by faith) and Daniel, right away! Of course, there were all in church and my message wasn't going through right away! Ahhhhhh! I knew how eagerly they were waiting too and I was thinking "look at your phones, look at your phones!"

In a few minutes they all started seeing the message and we all began praising God! 

So now......we wait some more! Gosh, I gotta become a more patient person! You know they say that if you pray and ask God to give you patience, look out, cause He may give you a few trying circumstances to test that patience out in. You never know, maybe He'll ask you to be a surrogate!

Anyway, that's where we stand as of this morning. Good numbers that will hopefully continue to increase and continuing to pray for the upcoming ultrasound that MAY show us baby's heartbeat, although it may be just a little too early (again, no EXACT numbers for when you will or will not absolutely SEE and HEAR the heartbeat BUT I'm praying we do in this first scan).

You know it's weird. God kind of gave me this picture of this process being step by step back when we first started. He opens a new door and we step through. We wait in the middle of the stream until He places the next stepping stone and then we move forward one step at a time. If I'm being honest, I think I thought that would only be before the transfer. That my body would just kick in and it would be smooth sailing after all the prep work, but I'm coming to realize He's going to give us our next stepping stone at each new stage through this ENTIRE process and I'm going to need to trust Him that He will. Whether that stone takes us forward or starts curving backwards, the stones are His to place and my job is to just take the next faith-filled step!

So here I am, prego and waiting for the next step! Don't wait too long Lord or my ankles may start swelling!