Being Pregnant but Not Preparing for a Baby at Home...Weird!

So, there have been a lot of "news" for me this pregnancy. 

I don't mean news like "things to report" I mean news like the new items and feelings and expectations, etc. I think about 90% of the "news" simply comes from being a surrogate while 10% of the news comes from being pregnant over 30, with a girl, with 3 boys at home.

I must admit it has been funny to start receiving diaper and bottle and nursing top advertisements and all I can think is "nope, not going to need those".

It's a whole new world to realize you are pregnant but you aren't mentally or physically preparing yourself for after the hospital. My only immediate plan will be to sleep and to heal and love on my boys as much as possible!

So, the last few weeks haven't been much different. Still feeling slightly queasy but thank the Lord not the debilitating nausea I had for about 3 weeks. I'm pretty certain the increased nausea was due to the extra hormones I was taking because of the special circumstances of IVF and surrogacy in general. I'm now 11 and a half weeks and each day gets a little better. 

A few weeks ago, I was weaned off the hormone supplements but my numbers didn't hold as high as they would have preferred. It wasn't dangerously low but with all these procedures the doctors always err on the side of safety so I went back on one of the supplements until this week. Once the placenta develops it will take over all hormone production. I am going in Friday to check my numbers just to be certain they are holding for baby's safety.

Around 8 weeks I dug my proverbial heels into the ground and refused to go buy pregnancy shorts. I was only 8 weeks, there is no way I needed maternity clothing yet. But alas, with this being my 5th pregnancy my body was like "oh I know exactly what to do and how to stretch, let's get ready" and I broke down at 9 weeks and have enjoyed the elastic waist ever since 😉

July will mark the end of the first trimester and it can't come soon enough! This has by far been my hardest first trimester and that includes crossing the Atlantic with air sickness with each one of my boys in my first trimester. Again, certain things like being over 30 vs 23 when I first did this and extra hormones have added to that. I've never loathed Summer as much as I have the last few weeks. The other night I had what I can only describe as the very opposite of a nightmare, it was euphoric! I was wearing a sweater and a scarf and I was calling out to my husband "It's COLD, it's ACTUALLY COLD!" Alas I shall endure and I keep reminding myself how glad I am that when I feel as big as a whale at the end of the pregnancy it will be dead of winter! Woohoo! And, of course, when I say "winter" in Southern California it will probably be 60 degrees.

I had a little snag a few days ago that left me in hormonal tears for a few days. After we returned from South Africa I never had the need for a gynecologist. My GP could fulfill whatever I needed. So, for surrogacy I had to start from complete scratch finding an OB/GYN to deliver this baby! Well I did my research and asked some moms I knew and decided to go with a doctor in one of the largest hospitals in Orange County. 2 weeks a before I was to be released from my fertility doctor I called the OB's office and confirmed they took my insurance and was informed the doctor would need to look over my paperwork before he could accept me as a new patient. I got my paperwork from UCLA, dropped it off in person and waited a few days. I got the call that the doctor could take me on and I made the soonest appointment available to meet with one of his nurse practitioners for my initial consultation. Fast forward a few weeks and I spent almost 2 hours at my first appointment creating a file for me, going over all my history and what I knew of Chad and Stephanie's history (since the baby is fully genetically theirs) and getting an ultrasound. Little embie looked great with 4 little stubs still growing (arms and legs). I decided she looked like a teddy bear. The nurse tried for 10 min to get a profile shot but the little girl just wanted to stare straight on at the camera. 

Fast forward a few more days and I get a call from someone at the hospital informing me that not only my doctor but the hospital itself doesn't take my insurance. I was shocked. I told her I double checked AND I waited for over an hour to be seen after giving them my insurance card and no one thought to look it up? There was nothing I could say eventually. I have an EPO and they only take PPOs. And of course, this all happened on a Friday so I felt pressured to find another doctor quick before the weekend even though I didn't need a check-up for another month.

Luckily, after a nap and my emotions settled down I decided not to make any decisions and just wait for the weekend and research and pray and take my time finding another doctor. By Monday I had found another hospital as well as an AMAZING OB that had stopped delivering babies a few years ago but recently joined the hospital and was taking patients again. My first appointment won't be until Aug 2 but I'm hoping it all goes well. You never know what God's plans are but none of this was a surprise to Him and we'll never know what or why He chose to have it happen this way but I can trust that His ways are prefect!

So that's it for me. Wasn't a super exciting update but wanted to fill everyone in on the last few weeks. If you think of it, please pray for me and my family as we are heading to Northern California for a quick trip this weekend and then bringing family back down with us for a few days and I would love to not have any nausea while they are here!

The Unsung Heroes of Surrogacy....

So, it hit and it hit HARD!

I had had some nausea when pregnant with my boys but it usually hit for maybe an hour or 2 in the evenings and went away promptly.  Not this time.... this time it started and (even though there have been pockets of time where it severely lessens) it hasn't stopped.  The nausea also picked the same day I contracted the nasty throat cold going around to show up AND I think it called in a favor and got the first heatwave of the summer to arrive at the same time too! I'm talking the "perfect storm" of nausea, swollen throat and extreme heat all rolled up into one! The first day I barely got out of bed because I just felt like a ball of goop. 

Luckily for me, the nausea has not been severe enough to cause vomiting but it's like extremely bad car sickness that just kind of lingers.

Ok I think you get the picture. It gets worse then it gets better. I inhale whatever I can stomach when the thought of food doesn't repulse me but by the time I've finished a meal it's already starting up again.

Interesting trivia fact: Did you know that one of the theories why pregnant women are so nauseous in the first trimester is because it's believed that our bodies are trying to keep us away from any type of food that could be hurtful to baby in the crucial first few months when the REALLY important stuff is developing. Now a days we tend to cook our food safer and choose our food wiser but back in olden days when they didn't know about germs and mold and dangers of certain foods, it's believed the nausea would help women ingest safer foods for baby. I found that so interesting and SO like our God to put that safety net into our bodies!

Ok back to the last week and the title of this post. A few days into my "perfect storm", Daniel (my husband) had to go run his annual Youth Retreat for 3 days, also when the heat spiked to the hottest 3 days of the week. My goal for the time was "keep the tiny humans alive." That's it: feed them, water them (yes it sounds like I was taking care of house plants), put them to bed and repeat.

We made it through the 3 days but needless to say that when Daddy got home the house was thrashed, dishes were a mile high and one of the first things I asked him was "can you make dinner?"

And here, my friends, is where I introduce you to my hero....my husband, Daniel Grant. This amazing man had given 110% of his time and energy to a group of 14 high schoolers for 3 days and walks into a tornado of a house and jumps on the floor with his 3 boys and wrestles with them for at least at 30 min before walking into the kitchen to prepare us dinner. And that is only the beginning.

Over the last week he has done all the dishes, cooked almost all the dinners, put the boys to bed every night, continued to do his duties at church and his custodial duties as well. I can see he is tired and it's hard to have to do so many of the household chores plus his own work as well but each time I think my next request will push him over the edge he just replies, "I got it!" without any hesitation.

You see, he is the unsung hero of this surrogacy journey. People will tell me "oh you are such an amazing person to do this for someone else" and all I want to do is step aside and point at the man with three little blonde monkeys hanging off of him, who is still smiling and keeping our house running and say, "no it's not me, it's him who is amazing". 

When we went to our psychological evaluation for this journey, his interview was just as important as mine because they KNOW how important the husband is in this journey.

And on top of ALL of it, he's doing it all for a child that is not even his. He's giving up his free time and adding on tons of extra jobs to keep this family going while I navigate the nausea and ligament pain and fatigue.  Every night as we go to bed he is praying over this little girl growing inside of me, for her to know and love Christ all her days!  This may not be his child but he cares and takes his responsibility as my caretaker for this pregnancy just as seriously as he did for our own children.

So, this is the unsung hero of surrogacy, my husband! I love him more than I could EVER put into words on a piece of paper.  It's been interesting for me because I've found I love him in a new dimension now. They say as the years go on in marriage your love for each other can change and grow in ways you never imagined. Like the first time I saw him hold our son in the hospital. Or the way he held me as our world fell apart when we miscarried our first child. 

My love for him has grown because I've learned to love him in so many ways! And now I've grown to love him as a surrogate dad to this little girl. In no way is he trying to become a dad to this little life, but he is performing his role of caretaker and true provider for me as I grow this little life and I love him even more for it!

Daniel, you are the true head of this family! You love your sons more than life itself! You provide for us, support us, and make it possible for me to stay home and be with our children each and every day.  You've made it possible for me to also teach our children from home! I could never tell you how much I love and appreciate and respect the man that you are who leads this family! Thank you for choosing to ride this crazy roller coaster called life with me! Thank you for pointing me back to God on the good and bad nights. And thank you for taking care of myself, little Embie and our 3 boys as we continue this crazy, amazing journey!

Say Hello to my Womb-Mate!

Well it's been a few weeks and we have happy news to report.... say hello to my new womb-mate!

We had our 6-week checkup today and baby's heartbeat was perfect at 125 and measured perfect length for 6 weeks and 4 days. But I feel like I'm jumping ahead, let me fill you in on the last few weeks.

So, we got the confirmation through blood work that I was pregnant on Sun. May 26. Even though my HCG levels DID double, I was still on the lower side of numbers. As much as they tell you it's the numbers doubling that's the most important, I couldn't help but still feel cautiously optimistic because I was slightly low.

Once we knew baby had implanted successfully, Chad and Stephanie decided they would like to know the gender. For surrogacy, all embryos are required to go through testing before implantation. During these tests, they can determine the gender as well. Chad and Stephanie asked not to be told and for the doctors to not pick based on gender but solely on the health and strength of the embie with the highest chance of surviving implantation. After we knew embie had implanted they wanted to know. They asked Daniel and I if we had any guesses. I told Daniel from about week 2 that I thought it was a girl. Which was weird for me cause with ALL my other pregnancies I sensed it was boys every time, so to feel it was a girl was a different sensation for me. Daniel also said he thought it was a girl as well! Well our instincts were RIGHT! Baby girl Embie is well on her way!

On June 5, we had our first ultrasound. Did any other women feel like the 10 seconds the doctor takes to orient themselves on the ultrasound screen feels like a LIFETIME when you are looking for ANY wrinkle on their foreheads indicating concerns they may have? Maybe it's just me. Stephanie (our IP) was with me and we both waited with baited breath until the doctor pointed to the screen and said, "yep there's the gestational and yoke sac, just what we were looking for". Enter a big sigh of relief. Then the doctor mentioned that the sac was measuring a little behind at 7cm and they were expecting to see 8cm.

COME ON! Can I never just measure where I'm supposed to be? Is that too much to ask body dearest?!

Luckily Stephanie and our doctor have known each other for years and are good friends. Stephanie asked the doctor "are you seriously concerned about that measurement, you'd tell me, right? If it was bad?" The doctor chuckled a little and said, "yes Stephanie, I would tell you honestly if I was concerned and I'm not."

I was so grateful Stephanie asked because I was thinking the same thing; don't sugar coat it for us!

Stephanie and I walked down to the parking garage together laughing about how we both thought the same thing "can't the numbers just be on time?" We said our goodbyes but not for too long because we had planned to have our families spend the day together on Saturday at their home in Malibu!

Saturday came and we got the boys in the car and headed out to Chad and Stephanie's home about an hour away. We got there very easily and the 5 boys (our 3 and their 2) started bonding over toys and balloons.

We had such an AMAZING day of French toast brunch, pool time, naps for 3 of the 5 kids, hot dogs and Texas style jalapeno poppers for an early dinner and then more pool time! By the time we looked down it was almost 6:30 pm and we had spent 10 hrs. together talking and laughing and sharing and playing! By the next morning our boys were already asking when we could go back!

So that brings us up to date to this morning’s appointment. There was an accident on one of the 5 freeways it takes me to get to UCLA which made me 15 min late even though I left almost 2 hrs. early. I had Daniel get a hold of Stephanie to let her know but I also knew she had a surgery she needed to get to and wouldn't have much extra time if I didn't get there asap!

Luckily, I arrived just when google said I would. I jogged upstairs and they were able to get me seen right away! And then the dreaded 10 second wait where 3 women are staring at the screen that is turned away from me at this point. Then the smiles! They located baby girl and then the doctor said, "and I think I saw a heartbeat" (as a side note, some baby’s heartbeats don't register till 7 weeks and since I had been measuring a few days behind I was trying to prepare myself that it was possible we may not see baby's heartbeat this week).

The doctor turned up the volume on the machine and one of the best sounds in the world started filling the room. Thump thump, thump thump! Baby Girl had a perfect heartbeat at 125! 

So here we are, officially 6 weeks and 4 days which gives me a due date of Feb. 1, 2018.  Baby Girl is finally right on track and I only have 2-3 more weeks seeing our fertility doctor before I’ll be released to my own OB closer to Orange County!  So far, I’ve only had slight nausea, more like a REALLY full stomach feeling, and a tiny bit of heartburn (which I had with all 3 of my boys).  I had heard that the old wives’ tale is that girls can give you more nausea but so far, I feel better than I did with the boy’s pregnancy.  I’m getting to the stage I was at when I first discovered I was pregnant with the boys so we’ll see how my body responds now that I’m farther along but as of right now I’m just trying to enjoy every non-sick moment!

Every step we are getting closer and closer to meeting this precious life and I must admit it has been one of the most unique roller coasters I’ve ever been on but I’ve loved every minute of it!

Houston....we have Implantation!

Wow, this specific pregnancy journey has been more of an emotional roller coaster than I would have EVER imagined. 

Most women decide after a missed period to pick up a test at home, the next morning you pee on it and SURPRISE, you're pregnant. In my case I would wait a few weeks and then we would go into our first appointment where we would get to see a tiny little bean with a fluttering heartbeat. That's about all the steps for the first few weeks of my pregnancies with my 3 boys.

Going on this Surrogacy journey has OPENED my eyes to the plight of women who have fertility issues.  From the MOMENT, I got off bedrest 2 days after the transfer to this morning has seriously felt like 6 months when, in reality, it's been about 11 days. 11 mentally EXHAUSTING days of scrutinizing every single twinge, bump and sign that COULD or Could NOT mean the little embie had implanted.

I had days I swore I wasn't pregnant cause I felt absolutely no signs and felt fine physically -- which would send me into a downward spiral mentally and I worried and googled EVERY SINGLE SYMPTOM I felt.

I broke down on day 5 and took a pregnancy test which showed an iridescent line that I think only my highly in-tuned prego-hopeful eyes could see. On Tuesday, I swore there was something there a tiny bit darker and on Wednesday a tiny bit darker. I took pictures of them lined up and sent them to my sister and our IP's seeing if I was crazy. They saw them too but still I worried. 

I also googled every known fact about IVF (in vitro fertilization) and FET (frozen embryo transfer). I learned EVERY acronym that goes along with a surrogacy journey like dpo (days past ovulation) and 5dp5dt (5 days past a 5-day old embryo transfer) as well as some acronyms I didn't necessarily WANT to learn like m/c (miscarriage) and cp (chemical pregnancy). 

I mean seriously! I spent HOURS pouring over chat threads of women comparing beta numbers (HCG blood tests) and experiences.  I looked at picture after picture of HPTs (home pregnancy tests) lined up one under another as other women wanted to know if anyone else saw the line they think they saw. I had become one of "those surrogates" checking EVERYTHING. And every time I would whine to Daniel that I thought the transfer just didn't work he would calmly reply, "just wait for the blood test babe." To which I'd give him the stink eye and insist "I JUST CAN’T STAND THE WAITING!"

So, our 9dp5dt (do you feel 'fertility smart' now because you know what that means? I kind of do) beta blood test arrived. I went bright and early to UCLA and got home before Daniel even had to leave for work. And then, earlier than I thought possible, my phone rang with a 310 number (Los Angeles). I answered as calmly as possible, pretending like I didn't know who was on the other line. It was our fertility doctor's nurse. She sounded in good spirits and told me the good news was that I was definitely pregnant. Then I asked her what my HCG levels were. For someone who had spent DAYS researching average fertility reports, I knew we were looking for something close to 100. My heart sank a little when she said my numbers were only 62. I tried to stay calm over the phone and the nurse assured me that MANY factors can account for slightly lower numbers like when the baby actually implanted in the 24-48 hrs. after transfer. Your body instantly starts producing HCG after implantation so someone with an embie that implants within a few hours could have a 2 day jump on someone whose embie waited the full 48 hrs. to implant. Also, our embie was frozen and sometimes those little ones can take a little bit longer to "warm up" to the idea and start producing the HCG.

Even though she gave me all these reassurances, it didn't keep me from BREAKING DOWN after I hung up. Daniel was getting ready for work and I just lost it. Like full on "prego hormone" sobs. I felt SO torn AGAIN. I thought this phone call would put us clearly on one side or the other: pregnant or not pregnant. Now I had to wait another 48 hrs. to see if my numbers would double like they were supposed to while I jumped back online searching "first beta of 62 9dp5dt". I think I read the same chat threads like 10 times and STILL I worried. People had gotten numbers as low as 20 on their first beta and still had healthy babies after 9 months. Some had the perfect numbers and had lost the baby in a miscarriage. 

Do you know what I learned from ALL my research??????? There is ABSOLUTELY NO solid answer to whether your embie is healthy and growing and if he/she will make it to due date. Some people had every single sign and weren't pregnant and some people had no signs at all and had a BFP (Big Fat Positive).

I'm tellin’ ya' it felt like I was on Disney's California Screamin' roller coaster for the lasts 11 days! 

So that brings us to this morning. The only, and I mean ONLY, solid piece of advice I could get was that your numbers doubling every 48 hours is the best sign that the embie is growing. In fact, as much as the first number is important, it's really the second draw that will tell you what side of the line you are on for at least the next few weeks until the first ultrasound.

So that's what we prayed our little hearts out for! Grow little baby, double those numbers, grow little baby! 

So, as many of you know, my husband, Daniel, is the assistant pastor at our church and I sing on the worship team. Basically, we are at church every single Sunday unless we have been hit by a plague. Today I just couldn't go. I went super early with the boys for the blood draw in north LA and then dropped them off at church and switched cars and headed home. I knew I would be a nervous wreck all morning till I got the call and I just needed to NOT be in a public place when I would most likely get the call.

So, I went home and did some laundry. We were hoping we would get the call by 10 am but 10 came and went and with each passing minute I felt more and more like I was going to throw up (not because of prego morning sickness, just a nervous tummy). Luckily, I remembered to take my phone each time I went to switch a load because I had just pulled the first load out of the dryer when my phone began to ring. I looked down and a big UCLA Hospital stared back at me. I took a breath and answered as nonchalantly as possible. Of course, my first instinct was to yell "You're killing me Smalls, just give me the digits!" BUT I restrained myself and "acted surprised" to hear it was the fertility Fellow on call, calling with my results......

139....139....139!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My numbers had double plus a little extra from 62 to 139, I was RIGHT where I was supposed to be. He told me to continue my meds and to call on Tuesday to set up my first ultrasound in a little over a week!

I thanked him very politely and told him to have a good weekend like the last 11 days hadn't been TORTURE to me and he wasn't telling me anything I didn't know (yeah RIGHT). I hung up and messaged Chad and Stephanie, Amy (from surrogacy by faith) and Daniel, right away! Of course, there were all in church and my message wasn't going through right away! Ahhhhhh! I knew how eagerly they were waiting too and I was thinking "look at your phones, look at your phones!"

In a few minutes they all started seeing the message and we all began praising God! 

So now......we wait some more! Gosh, I gotta become a more patient person! You know they say that if you pray and ask God to give you patience, look out, cause He may give you a few trying circumstances to test that patience out in. You never know, maybe He'll ask you to be a surrogate!

Anyway, that's where we stand as of this morning. Good numbers that will hopefully continue to increase and continuing to pray for the upcoming ultrasound that MAY show us baby's heartbeat, although it may be just a little too early (again, no EXACT numbers for when you will or will not absolutely SEE and HEAR the heartbeat BUT I'm praying we do in this first scan).

You know it's weird. God kind of gave me this picture of this process being step by step back when we first started. He opens a new door and we step through. We wait in the middle of the stream until He places the next stepping stone and then we move forward one step at a time. If I'm being honest, I think I thought that would only be before the transfer. That my body would just kick in and it would be smooth sailing after all the prep work, but I'm coming to realize He's going to give us our next stepping stone at each new stage through this ENTIRE process and I'm going to need to trust Him that He will. Whether that stone takes us forward or starts curving backwards, the stones are His to place and my job is to just take the next faith-filled step!

So here I am, prego and waiting for the next step! Don't wait too long Lord or my ankles may start swelling!

Tonight I just need to write.....from the Valley of Doubt

Somedays the words just seem to fly out of my finger tips and onto the page.  I don’t really WANT to write but I have this strange sensing that it’s important that I write tonight.  Who knows if I’ll get the guts to post it but right now all I keep thinking is…. write it out.

So, our surrogacy journey has been AMAZING so far! Seriously…. AMAZING! And that is due to one HUGE factor; how God-soaked it has been.  From Day 1 of thinking about surrogacy and finding out from Daniel that the Lord asked him to start praying about it 3 months earlier to the little “revelations” God has given me each step of the way on how to trust Him more!  From finding a Christian Surrogacy Agency in my “backyard” of Orange County to calling that same agency the exact same week our IP’s contacted them as well.

I mean, COME ON! I couldn’t have predicted how incredibly GOD-DRENCHED this process has been.  And I don’t think I FULLY appreciated it until a few days ago.  I decided to finally start looking into different Surrogate online support groups just to see if any would be fun to be a part of.  I found one BIG group on Facebook and after being accepted I decided to send out a little “Hi there, I’m a first-time surrogate who just had a transfer on wed and I’m nervously waiting for the follow up blood test, etc.”  Within about 24 hrs. of posting I had another surrogate comment on how I had incorrectly labeled one section of my journey.  I explained what I meant by using that term and she continued to INSIST I was wrong to call it that.  Let me pause there and say I HATE confrontation, ESPECIALLY on Facebook.  I responded again and this time said, “Your comments are sounding very critical” to which she responded that I had issues being corrected and my post would tell newbies that they could do it that way and its easy and common and it’s not and I must just have issues.”  I wrote out a reply that defended and reiterated my first point and then erased it all.  I didn’t need to rise to the occasion.  I ended the conversation and then turned around and exited the group.  My heart was racing and I started crying.  I couldn’t believe what had just happened! I had been on this journey for MONTHS expecting to face opposition and I hadn’t; that is not until I joined a surrogate group and felt attacked by another surrogate!

And that’s when it hit me, my surrogacy journey has and is unique.  I had a glimpse into the secular side of surrogacy and, even though I KNOW not all surrogates are that way, I was hurt by what I experienced.  I quit the group and in-between tears I wrote out a late-night text to my IP, and now good friend, Stephanie and Amy, the founder of Surrogacy by Faith.  These women haven’t just been my mentor and partners in this journey.  We have shared tears and fears and joys together in such a short time frame and knew I could “lean on them.”

They encouraged me and prayed for me and “listened” to me (through text) and continue to accept me, flaws and all.  I don’t need a big support group because God has SURROUNDED me with friends and family that are walking this road with us every step of the way.

Fast forward to last night.  I just started feeling BLEH! Like I had this sense that the embie didn’t implant and I wasn’t pregnant.  I decided to go buy some at-home pregnancy tests that night and decided I would try this morning.  I had at least 2 different dreams about using the test.  In the morning, it was a big fat negative.  I wasn’t completely crushed because there are SO many reasons surrogates get negatives using at-home tests, especially this early after transfer but it still didn’t start my day off very positive.

So, I guess I’m finally to the part about why I feel I need to write tonight.  I feel emotionally EXHAUSTED! This waiting period is BY FAR the hardest part of this journey so far.  We’ve had a heat wave so there is no way to tell if my fatigue is from heat or Prego hormones starting to fill my body.  My appetite has changed as well which could easily be from the heat also.

With my third son, one of the first signs I knew I was Prego was when I looked in the mirror and I felt like I had gained 5 pounds right in my mid-section overnight.  Came to find out that after you’ve had one baby, sometimes your ligaments, and such, can release when your body starts growing another child.  Basically, the left-over baby skin/fat loses its elasticity and you can feel like you look bloated or gained weight.

 

So of course, I’ve been looking for that same outcome this time and I definitely feel bloated but again that could be from eating junk during the heatwave.

Can you hear the mental roller coaster I’ve been on?

And yet I CONTINUE to try and place every thought and care back in God’s hands because I KNOW He has a plan no matter what it is. 

Some days I think “there is NO WAY He brought us this far just to let this transfer fail” and then I think “But His ways are NOT our ways and He has a plan that may not include my plan.”

So here I am; 6 days after transfer and both excited and dreading Friday morning.  That’s when I will go bright and early for a blood test to see if there is any HCG developing in my body indicating the embie is growing.

I realized tonight as I was putting my boys to bed that this time suddenly reminded me of another time I waited with baited breath for a blood test.  We had gone in for our 10-week check-up with our first baby to find an empty uterus where a tiny little peanut should have been growing.  They thought maybe I wasn’t as far along as I thought and took a blood test to check my HCG levels.  They said they would test again in a day or 2 because my numbers are supposed to double every few days.  I was crushed.  I had to leave work to go get the second test done and by the time I got back to work and signed into my health portal online, it showed my numbers had dropped 5000 units.  It was confirmed, I was losing our first precious child.

Although this waiting is not the same, in a way I notice it is.  If Friday never comes then I can keep hoping.  BUT when Friday DOES come, I COULD find extreme joy.  Does anyone else ever feel that way? Excited and dreading something at the same time?

Another sign that COULD indicate nothing is the fact that I keep tearing up at the drop of a hat! But even without Prego hormones, this whole process is SO emotional, it could simply be my body responding to the situation.  I was in the car on the way to worship practice and a song came on the radio and there I went again, the lump in the through and the tears welling up in the corner of my eyes.

This last Sunday I was on stage and we got to bridge of the last song and it hit me like a heavenly ton of bricks (is that even a thing?)

We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes,

You’re the Giver of Life

I couldn’t sing.  Luckily, I’m just a backup singer so my inability to get the words out among the lump in my throat didn’t keep others from continuing to worship. And when I say I couldn’t sing, I don’t mean I didn’t believe it.  IF anything, my heart burst forth from my chest and all I could do was repeat it in my heart and pray over this little life in my womb trying to grow.

And then that reminded me of my first Sunday back on worship team after losing our first child in a miscarriage.  I stood on that same stage and sang that God was in control while tears poured down my cheeks. 

I don’t think anyone knows the incredible power of song until you hear a song that seems to apply to EXACTLY what you are going through.  I think the Holy Spirt would be a worship leader if he ever had one specific job.  When my heart fails me and I cannot speak, the Holy Spirt does it for me in song.

So, this is probably one of the most confusing, jumping around blog posts anyone will ever read but again, I felt I needed to write.  All my other posts have been on the other side of the worry and doubt with the “YAY it worked out” to finish it with.

Not this one because this one is from the Valley of Doubt.  This post is written by a woman who wonders what will happen in 3 days. This one is written by a girl who laid next to her husband last night and asked him to pray for her cause she just didn’t know if she could find the words that night.  This one is a post of uncertainty BUT this post is also one of unending HOPE because…

…. being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Phil. 1:6

So, I don’t know what my next post will be about.  If it will be laced with joy or sorrow, BUT I can tell you this, God has and will continue to be a part of the journey and as long as He provides a way to try, I will be first in line to grab His hand as many times as He offers it.  Cause even in the Valley of Doubt He is sitting RIGHT next to me saying “I got this, I’ve got a plan.” Ok Lord, let’s go!

Musings from Bed Rest

It happened.... I think it happened.... I’m 99% sure it happened...yes yes it definitely happened!

On Wednesday, we dropped our boys off at perhaps their favorite place of all time.... Uncle Dan and Ms. Joy's house! Luke (age 3) informed our good friend and neighbor yesterday that "we are going to Ms. Joy's house tomorrow while mommy goes and gets a baby". As blunt as it sounded, he was technically right!

After we dropped the boys off we headed out to Beverly Hills where the transfer office was located. We planned to meet Chad and Stephanie (for the first time in person) at a little cafe beforehand to meet, eat and pray! 

Daniel and I arrived about 40 min early and enjoyed just strolling along the street looking at little shops. After we walked by the shops we turned down one street and enjoyed walking along the residential neighborhood. The houses were so amazing, and each had their own unique style! It kind of felt like Disneyland because they were so close to the sidewalk I felt like maybe I could walk right in to the castle shaped one or the little Riviera shaped one! 

Anyway, back on track!

Chad arrived at the cafe first and I think the first thing out of my mouth was "you're real, not just a photograph!". Hugs all around and we stepped inside to order while we waited for Stephanie, who had a slightly complicated surgery to perform that morning and was running just a few minutes behind.

As I glanced at the menu I quickly decided against any smoothie or juice as I had my 2 water bottles equaling 32 oz. that I would need to drink an hour before the transfer and I didn't want to push my luck and squeeze any more liquid than necessary in there.

Right after we sat down, I looked up and there was Stephanie making her way to our table. I stood up and we instantly locked arms around each other and stood there for a good 30 seconds in a tight hug with each of us wondering "I can't believe this is REALLY happening!?"

We ate and laughed and talked about our INCREDIBLY similar lives! Both of us couples dated long distance, both our husbands were our only real "dating" experience, we both will celebrate our 10-year wedding anniversaries within 10 months of each other, and the list goes on and on. 

Eventually we had to pause our conversation because we needed to get over to the Reproductive center for the transfer.  We made our way back to our cars and even though we attempted to caravan over to the office (about 3 min away), the traffic and one way streets got the better of us. Luckily google maps is a girl’s best friend in those instances and we all caught up again in the parking structure.

Even though we were running a few minutes behind on our check-in time, we paused right there in the parking lot, grabbed hands and prayed over this time! Such a blessing to go through this process with other believers!

We made our way into the waiting room and continued to chat about our son's similarities and funny stories! Between our 2 families we have 5 boys ranging from age 1-6!

Finally, I got called back to get ready. The nurse confirmed my name and who I was a surrogate for. We had thought only one person but would be allowed in the room during the transfer and I had already told Stephanie I wanted it to be her. Well the nurse said there was plenty of room so Daniel could join as well! Honestly, I think he was the most intrigued cause he is my Biology nerd (I say that with love) and has ALWAYS enjoyed my pregnancy appointments and learning new facts and procedures about new areas of medicine. Chad decided to stay in the waiting room since it was tight and I was going to be slightly exposed. He didn't want me to feel uncomfortable in any way which I think was very sweet.

Next the "team" arrived. There was the ultrasound tech (I'm sure I'm not going to get any of the official terms correct so bear with me), our fertility doctor, who would be performing the transfer, the embryologist in charge of bringing in the embryo when the doctor was ready and a nurse. Plus, the 3 from our "party", so it was a full house!

I had taken a Valium about 10 min before the procedure and I do remember at one point feeling like I was gently floating on top of a wave in the ocean. The feeling passed but I knew the Valium was kicking in. It helps patients completely relax and not stress.

So, the whole time, we all were basically just watching the ultrasound screen. The tech was guiding the doctor to the exact spot that is best for implantation. After the doctor was all set up they called for the embryo. We all waited a few minutes and chatted until the little life arrived. I stared at the screen and tried to believe I knew what I was looking at. And then every medical person in the room, all at once, went "Oh wow, PERFECT, that was just PERFECT!"

You could see that the tiny little white bubble of liquid that held the embryo had been placed exactly where the tech had pointed out. 

They quickly sent the transfer tube back to the lab in the next room where they double checked that the embryo was not stuck within the tube and did actually exit into me.

And then we were done. I couldn't believe how quickly, smoothly and painlessly it went. Even my full bladder didn't give me any trouble! They do like the patient to remain laying down for about 20-30 min afterwards so they covered me back up and all the medical staff left us alone. We asked them to call in Chad so we all could be together. We just prayed and talked and told him how it went! We took a few photos and before we knew it the nurse came back in and said we were all good to go!

The guys headed back to the parking garage to grab our car so Chad could show Daniel where he could pick me up curb side. I got changed and then had the glorious task of being wheeled out to the front (after a bathroom break).  

Soon Chad and Daniel arrived and I was wheeled to the car. We hugged one last "I can't believe we finally got to meet and how well it went" hug and I climbed in! We said we would be in touch and off we drove home. 

I think the Valium really started to kick in because I got VERY tired quickly. After helping navigate Daniel back through downtown Beverly Hills to the freeway, I put my feet up and began to drift off. One of the last things I remember is Daniel's protective hand on my belly as he drove!

I woke up as we exited the freeway. I must have been in a Valium stupor cause for a second I was like "did that really just happen?" 

Daniel got me upstairs, I changed into some comfy pj's, snuggled into our bed and turned on some Netflix! Daniel got me some food and completely turned into attentive housemaid, making sure I was completely set before he headed off to pick up the boys. I insisted I was fine and off he went.

So, there you have it. I've been in bed or using the restroom for about 15 hrs. so far and it's GREAT! I woke up at 3:30am to use the restroom and couldn't fall back asleep and I figured I could sleep all day if I wanted to so I just stayed up!

So far, this morning I caught my 3-yr. old tip toeing through my room and when I said "hi" he informed me "you must sleep for 2 days and then I can see you". "No, my love, I don't HAVE to sleep, I just need to lay down and rest but you can come see me. He has now brought me my water bottle and toast like SUCH a big helper. As he left my room he said to himself "2 things...check"

I'll see if I can get this posted from my cell phone but if not I may not be able to post my musings till a few hours from now but figured writing them down now will ensure I remember what an amazing God filled day it was! Thank you to every single person that has been praying for us and over us throughout the last few months and especially this last week! We won't know if the embryo successfully implanted till late next week so if you would continue praying for this little life to snuggle in safe and sound for the next 9 months, we would be SO grateful! 

Shocked Not Shocked

Where to start?......Well I guess picking up where we left off is a good place!

After we passed the medical and psych evaluations we quickly headed into the legal contract stage.  We all REALLY wanted to aim for an embryo transfer in May so the end of April was a whirlwind of contracts and Attorney conversations and notarization and expedited mailings, etc.  One of the blessings to working with Surrogacy by Faith is that Amy (the founder and owner) really tries to listen to both parties through the whole process so when it comes to putting together a legal agreement, there is usually not much that needs to be changed because it has already been addressed.

After the legal contracts were finalized we went back into a waiting game for my ovulation.  At home tests were showing nothing so the doctor wanted me to come in for some ultrasounds and blood tests.  I ended up driving to North LA 4 out of 5 days until my numbers were finally up.  I told Daniel that I would drive every day for a month if it meant I wouldn’t need to take all the medications and shots most surrogates must beforehand!

I was SO encouraged on Wednesday when I was sitting in the waiting room for my ultrasound.  This sweet woman sat down next to me and said, “I have a weird question but are you Laura?” I said, “yes I am!”.  Turns out she is a friend of our Intended Parents, Chad and Stephanie, and Stephanie had given her my picture when she realized we both had appointments around the same time.  I had even arrived early so we had a few minutes to chat before I had to go back for my scan!  I wrote to Stephanie and said, “even though I KNOW you are real, this is the first person from your side of the ‘world’ that I’ve met in person and it feels even more real now!” On Friday (5/12) my numbers officially rose to the right amount and I began my five days of medication to prep my body to receive the little embie (embryo baby). 

You know that saying “sorry not sorry” when someone apologizes but really, they aren’t? I feel like my newest “slogan” for this Surrogacy journey is “SHOCKED NOT SHOCKED”.  Every time I start to worry that the timing won’t work out or that something won’t get done, it happens! Right when we need/want it to happen, the step takes place RIGHT ON TIME! During my first ultrasound on Monday the doctor noticed had I a small amount of liquid collected at the base of my internal C-section scar.  She said she would monitor it but if too much liquid accumulated it might have to be emptied. I began praying and asking others to pray that the liquid would go away on its own.  When I prayed, I would ask "Lord, please help the liquid go away.... BUT if it doesn't that's ok." I kept feeling like there was really no way it would go away and we'd have to work around it.  The morning before my next ultrasound 2 days later, I felt the tug on my heart to not add a "but" in my prayer but to pray with confidence that the liquid would be gone.  So that's what I did! I prayed "Lord help it be gone, amen."  About 30 minutes later the doctor looked and the screen and said, "the liquid is completely gone, Hallelujah!" Again, I was 'shocked not shocked'.

The most recent “shocked not shocked” moment for me was when I realized that I had volunteered, for the first time, to run our Sprung Ladies Luncheon at our church RIGHT at the same time the embie transfer may take place on May 20th.  Because of my irregular cycles there wasn’t any way to know exactly when my numbers would rise initiating the 5 days of meds followed by the transfer and then 48 hrs. of bed rest would occur.  As I started calculating the approximate window of the transfer I realized if my numbers didn’t rise soon I would be on bed rest right during the luncheon.  Now I must say the AMAZING ladies in my church are wonderful and I quickly started making my “understudies” for the different areas I was in charge of in case I couldn’t make it.  Even though the ladies assured me that they had it covered, I was almost in tears one night talking to Daniel because when I take on a responsibility it’s REALLY hard for me to have to hand it off because I feel like a failure.  Then I found out from Stephanie (Intended Mother) that their anniversary was the same weekend and had an away trip planned and were also hoping the transfer would happen before hand! So, my prayers quickly began to center around the right timing for all of it.  By Thursday my numbers still weren’t there, I was again beginning to get frustrated and a little nervous.  I continued to repeat “your timing God, your timing” even as my heart fretted.  I calculated that if I didn’t ovulate by Friday, I would be on bed rest during the luncheon. 

Thursday afternoon I took the home test and stood over it like a hawk! Felling like maybe if I “willed” the little happy face to appear it would have no choice but to obey!  When the little face popped up I raised my fists and just started chanting “YES! YES! YES!”.  I ran downstairs with a renewed excitement! I still needed to have my numbers confirmed by blood draw the next morning but the at home tests had been accurate the last 2 months so I was pretty confident!

To my delight my numbers shot up on Friday morning and I got the call from the nurse with all the instructions to start my medications! She also officially informed me that the transfer would take place on Wed. 5/17 at 1pm! That means I will finish with bed rest on Friday afternoon right in time for our luncheon the next day! Now, before I get too many concerned comments, I will still be taking it easy at the luncheon and not over do it, but I’m just so “shocked not shocked” again at God’s perfect timing!

Daniel and I decided a few days ago to tell the boys about our Surrogacy journey!  We had purchased a book called "The Kangaroo Pouch" that explains the process of surrogacy in a simple child's story. We decided with all the appointments coming up it would be easier for us, and them, if we could share openly about where we were going.  Gabriel (age 6) had some great questions about how the baby will get into my tummy.  Ethan (age 4) really had no questions and seemed fine with it.  Luke (age 3) had a little harder time understanding.  I told him that once the baby is in my tummy I won’t be able to pick him up and carry him anymore.  He got a very sad face and then asked, "will I be able to kiss the baby" and pointed to my tummy.  I told him he can kiss the baby as much as he wants once the baby is in my tummy and he was completely satisfied!  I just loved their innocent hearts that just accepted the idea.  We made it VERY clear that this will not be our baby brother or sister and the baby won't be coming home but will be given back to their parents when they are born.  They all just shook their heads in agreement and after a few more questions, moved on to their next activity as if it was a normal day!  Since then, I have been asked about 50 times " is the baby in your tummy yet?" and "what’s the baby's name".  Each time I gently remind them that I will let them know each step of the way! So, grateful for their sweet hearts and their willingness to help mommy when she has the baby in her tummy!

So, there you have it! This coming Wednesday at 1pm we will be praying our little hearts out for this little life that will hopefully begin its journey to birth! Would you pray along with us? Please pray for my body as it prepares for the next 4 days to receive this embie! Pray for us especially on Wednesday!  We are so excited because we will be leaving early and finally get a chance to meet Chad and Stephanie in person before the transfer! We’re getting together to have a meal and pray and then will travel together to the transfer center!

All this excitement and yet we also know that medications and preparations can only do so much.  We have no guarantee of a baby in the end but I find SO much peace knowing that from the very beginning we have only taken each next step as the Lord provided and if He is in control, we know that no matter the outcome, His ways are perfect!